Today is about refocusing and how I’m trying hard not to feel like I suck right now. I know in my head that I don’t. But in my heart and the part of me that writes– I feel completely yucky. I’ve been doing Nano and slowly losing ground. My focus is shot because my day job got hard. Really hard. As in a college semester worth of work and mindfulness hard in one month– and OMG, what the hell am I thinking on taking this on while doing the other- hard. I know, I should be slowly working for my daily counts, just pushing through it all. But it’s not that easy for me. Not this month. Let me explain.
My new day job consists of me doing insurance- specifically auto insurance. You’d think it would be easy– do a quote, explain coverages and be done. Oh no, it’s not that simple. I have to know this stuff like the back of my hand and more importantly, I have to understand billing procedures, how to add drivers on policies, how to take them off, vehicles– when to add, how to remove, how to update information from the DMV, and other factors. Basically– the things you don’t know about your insurance policy-I must know. All of it. I’m about halfway through training- give or take and we’re at the toughest aspects. It just so happens to align with NaNoWriMo. This was bad timing. Very bad timing. My brain is taking in this information during the day and needs to process it. I’m not a 20 year old able to go and do this then follow it up with whatever else I want. No, my brain cells have old info from other jobs and is trying to find correlations to make it easier to adjust.
This means when I come home from work, I’m tired. Exhausted. This is also a bad time for my health issues. My arthritis and lupus act up a bit more. So, my exhaustion levels go up, especially when I’m stressed. (Trust me, I’m stressed.) I have to meet certain goals in class. We must pass tests. (I hate failing. Period.) So when I come home from work, I normally cook supper or if I put something in the slow cooker, I’m making the sides to go with it. Then after, it’s making lunches for the next day. After that, it’s catching up with what I missed and trying to write. Normally by that time– I’ve got between 3-4 hours to get this done before bed. This only allows me between 5-6 hours for sleep. It’s not enough for my health– but it’s all I can do if I am going to get enough writing done.
Plus, this month, my publisher put out a call for Easter submissions. *blinks* I like the idea they put with it– so I wanted to do it. The problem– it was due by November 15th. This meant pushing back some of my Nano writing to work on this proposal and first 3 chapters. Can we say– crapola? Yes, we can. More stress. Which meant I got less sleep, which is not good for me because I already possess sleep issues. Thus, then more problems cropped up with my writing in Nano. But I still managed to get to over 15k on the Nano story before I ended up with over 7k on the Easter story. *does happy dance* It got submitted the day before it was due.
But during this week, and the last– my fiance, the Male, came to me. He’s worried I’m overdoing it. Especially as the 19th is the release of Pirate Queen’s Rebellion. I want to make sure I promote and really push the book when it comes out. That takes time from writing. *sighs* Yeah, can you see how this is working so far? Needless to say, on top of all that– the story is giving me fits. It’s coming along– but it’s slower than I want. It’s not doing the flowing from the fingertips like it did with PQR. I know I shouldn’t compare, but dammit, I was hoping. I really was hoping. But then again– this story is not just any story. It’s an old story but a new story at the same time. I’m rewriting it, but there are some significant changes to make it new. Which might be part of the problem.
So, I had to decide yesterday on what to do. I’m going to work on my December project– the Marauders/O’Connor Christmas story. Once it’s done and finished, I might feel up to finishing what I started with GH. Hell, perhaps a day off working on something not under the obligation knife, might just allow me the joy to come back to it fresh and ready to run up the ball to the markers I want to get done. I can do this. I know I can.
But I think what’s holding me back right now, is that I’m tired. I’m mentally and physically tired beyond what I normally am with everything that’s happened since August. It’s just been one thing after another with no stopping. The stress did nothing but build and I think I took too much on with not only doing Nano, but also trying the Entangled Smackdown Nano too. It might have just pushed me too far, too fast. I wanted it, I do, but at the same time– it might have just been the final straw to hit me to the wall and make me break. I don’t want that, not at all. I’m just so tired of being tired and unfocused, it’s driving me crazy. It’s also depressing me. I hate being depressed. It sinks me to the point where I don’t want to write– and I need to write. Thus, decisions need to be made. Today, I’m going to write for fun. See if it helps. Once I do that–I’ll see what more I can do.
I’m also revising some of what my goals are for this December and then what 2014 will look like. I have things to do and revisions to make. I know it seems simple, but it’s not. Not really. But that’s part of what it takes to move forward. I know once I get passed this hard portion of the next couple of weeks– things will settle down and it’ll be a matter of applying what I’ve learned in class– and getting better at it– but right now, everything is so new, I get overwhelmed quickly. I don’t want to mess up and I honestly like my new job. I really do. That said– I need to find a new balance once this hard part is done. So, I need to make some hard choices and figure out how I’m going to make things work. I just hate how it makes me feel inside– like I failed people. That, I hate. I absolutely hate.
ROW80 Update: I’m so behind in this, I’m sorry. I’ve managed to do my proposal and 3 chapters. So, that’s good. Yay! I’ve done at least 3k this week. Yay! Next week is working to get writing done period. At this point, I don’t care what. I’m writing words for stories. I’m hoping it just works for me. I know that sounds terrible, but I might have to adapt myself to that point. Right now, I need to write for writing and let it all go. For next month– I have to get my Christmas story self-pub done, edited, and get cover art for it. Beyond that– I need to start revisions for my Christmas submission that needs to turn into another holiday story. Then beyond that– I need to work on the Easter story, if it gets accepted. So, we’ll see how it goes from here. That’s the plan. So far. It might change depending on how things work out.