A year ago today, my mom passed away. Looking back on the past year, I can honestly say that 2008 sucked the big one. And now it’s 2009 and I’ve discovered just how much I relied on my mom in some areas of my life. There were constants that weren’t there and I found myself struggling with those moments, especially the last half of the year.
I miss you, Mom. I miss you more than I thought possible. I have survived the first year without your physical presence, though your spirit has always been here. I miss calling and asking for Gobble Gobble cooking directions, I miss talking about romance books and other things. I miss talking about movies and politics. We might not always seen eye to eye, but we did manage to find a way to be strong and work things out.
Dad’s remarried, Mom. I do wish him happiness with his new wife. I do wish he had waited until after this day to do so, but happiness and the demands of the self take more than people realize. I think she’s good for him and right now, that’s a good thing. Who knows what that’ll translate into in the long or short run, we’ll see.
I’m definitely your daughter above anything and everything else. I know this because this past year healthwise has been hard, very hard. But I’ve had one redeeming thing that’s kept this all sane and helped me through it– my male. You’d like him, Mom. He fits in the family well– even T said so. They finally met and the getting along feeling is mutual. It’s a good thing. Without him, I’d have broken by now, just barely surviving.
But I will say this- this past year has been just survival. I’ve done some growing emotionally, I’ve done some grieving, but at the same time– there is still fresh, raw pain inside. I hate that you’re gone from me in this life, on this mortal plane. I do know that I can always talk to you spiritually, I can always feel your spirit when I do certain things and I find myself bringing about things you’ve done and put them in my own life for holiday traditions and more. I missed out on you Mom…I missed out on a lot, even though I didn’t.
You should still be here, and it sucks that you’re not. But you’re not in pain, you’re not struggling to breathe. And in the end, it’s not about me… it’s about you. May you be happy, Mom. May you choose to do what pleases you most- whether it be reincarnating, or sitting with other family and enjoying some rest and playtime. Either way know this– I do miss and love you, Mom. Always and forever.