Looking Good Naked– Or Not

I have self confidence issues. I know, it’s hard to believe but reality is– I do. Especially when it comes to my overly rounded body. Yes, I’ve been losing weight going to Weight Watchers, exercising and in therapy to resolve some serious issues. Though I’m learning to love me in all my craziness, the physical aspect is dicey. But then I discovered the show, “How to Look Good Naked” with Gok Wan. Recently, I bought his book, “How to Dress” on my Nook Color. ┬áIt really hit home for me on a lot of things I knew, things I hadn’t knew. But more importantly, he did something for me I hadn’t realized I desperately needed– he made me feel beautiful. He told me I was gorgeous, beautiful, curvalicious, and more.

Normally, I have a hard time believing when people compliment me. I’ve been working on it, and I didn’t realize how much I needed to hear these things from the people I love. Growing up, I didn’t get a lot of positive feedback on my looks, my smarts (yes, I am smart–scarily so at times LOL), or on how good a person I am. Over the years, I didn’t think compliments meant much– but now, now I’m seeing how much I need to be told that I look good, make others feel good and more. Perhaps the deprivation is now resounding loudly in my soul– but when Gok talks about a woman having luscious bangers and fantastic curves, it resonates. Now, I know he is gay, but the thing is– he truly believes in the beauty of women.

The show I watched was one where Gok went to see Lucy, a woman he worked with the year before. He wanted to see what had changed in her life. I really truly fell into this story and cried. In many ways, I could feel Lucy’s story. Though I’m bigger than Lucy, I’m built like a linebacker in the shoulders and my curves do not always go in the ways they should– yet Gok managed to find the feminine mystique in Lucy. Even within myself, I thought, “I could be prettier. I could believe that I’m good enough.”

I’d love to have a fairy Gok-mother to come and remake my wardrobe and help boost my self esteem more. In fact, it’d be nice to have a stylist to go through my clothes and help me see what works best for me, what doesn’t but why I picked those clothes and find clothes with those elements that DO work for me. Gok– if you read this– we need you in the US. Seriously. Please.

Reality Check for the Holidays

Yesterday I received the results of my vaginal biopsy. I had a hysterectomy in the spring of this year, followed by a Pap Smear six months later. That test came back abnormal which meant I needed a biopsy to determine what was happening. I admit, after my mom dying of lung cancer and my male’s sister fighting and beating breast cancer, I really didn’t want it to be anything serious. Our families have been through enough the past few years. Yet, I was informed that I have precancer. This means, left untreated– it will become cancer– and not in years, but in months.

There are scores of feelings and other things running through my mind right now- some good and some bad. Part of me worries on the treatment because they basically must treat this to being similar to cancer- there is no other way to treat it. That scares me- there’s no way around it. Luckily the type of precancer I have is fairly slow growing. It means I’ve got months to worry before it becomes cancerous. I realize that doesn’t sound good since in some instances that it can take years to develop. With vaginal tissue, the time frame is shorter due to the thinness of the area and because of the possibility to spreading to other areas. Of course, I’m dealing with the past of my family which is scary because everything happened at this time of year.

Overall, I’m adapting and I’m learning to accept what’s going on. I’ll be able to handle more once I know what the plan of action is, what the side effects are and how I need to handle the day to day stuff as I handle the after-effects. I am honoured by having good friends and family who are by my side and are keeping me going as I handle these things that have hit me this year. Without them, I’d have crumbled and faded away. But now I need to reflect upon the truth of the Celtic New Year and what I need to get rid of in my life and what I need to work on. Things are going to be slower for me now. I’m not the fast writer of the past, but a slower, richer writer now. I’m relearning how to outdo my ADD and how to handle the challenges thrown my way this year physically. But I’m still losing weight, I’m still trying to exercise. The hard part now is learning how to integrate things so nothing gets left behind– just rotated in turn.

Outrage in Sonoma

Today has been a major posting day. Sometimes, you get news hitting you on all sides, other days there’s nothing. But right now, I’m mad and I’m upset. More importantly, I’m furious at Sonoma County, California for what they’ve done. Many of you know about how Prop 8 is being fought at many levels in California. But at a ground level, it comes down to two elderly men in love, doing all the legal things they’re supposed to do– and being screwed over by the county officials because they didn’t want to deal with the truth. To read more– follow the link to ARe. Take a stand today. Tell people it’s not right to hurt anyone– young or old just because they love someone. It’s just not right.

Sex Ed with Mistress Cyn- Slower sex drives

It’s been a while, but I’ve also been thinking on this topic for a while. There are people out there with slower sex drives then us sexual maniacs- and we often are with them because there’s a bond. Before, I spoke about how people with the higher drive can do things to help relieve the tension and pressure on those with the slower drives. This time, I’m reversing the process and explaining the needs of those with higher drives and the impact on them. Continue reading