When working blind or beginnings

There are times in your life when you realise you begin again. For me, I’m reviewing my recent books I’ve written and ones almost done. But moreso, I’ve learned more about myself in the past year. Last year, my health was the end all be all. It’s still important. Yet, I discovered there are things in my life that mean so much to me beyond these walls. I’ve become more active as an activist.

Many people will say it’s due to one person, but those who know me…know I hit my limit. The election was the last straw. I’ve also been very very lucky in my life to meet people whom are likeminded. More, they have been kind enough to include me. They’re a new family within my family and when Harvey hit Houston, together we worked to save lives-human and animal alike. Again, they were at my side with Irma, urging me to safety. They brought back part of me I hadn’t realised was missing.

What does this mean? It means I’m writing. Deeper stories. More romance elements but stories that truly hit the soul and heart. They bite into what makes us who we are and how we deal with each part of our lives. Genre? Oh, I’m still not limiting myself! Why bother doing that? But for the first time ever, I found not just a peace, but a need to write again.

Scary how being blind in one way opens you to something so much more powerful than yourself. I was blind. Thought I’d end up not writing. But this new fam, just like my writing fam, believes in me. More, as they discovered me as an author, they had already embraced me as me. It was freeing. I can’t explain how it’s different, but I can tell you…each day is now filled with potential.

So, I write. I post on Patreon. My activism is on Twitter, separate from my author stuff. Yet, it’s all me. And…even though my hometown suffers right now, I found a peace inside, a hunger to write.

Thank you.

Organization for Writing

il_570xN.693734610_3xmmI spent the weekend of New Years reorganizing. I also spent time getting my writing in order. It was well spent, but it also reminded me that though I’m normally an organized person, I have spent the past year completely a wreck. Unacceptable any longer. I need to make sure I’m back on track. Which is why when my lovely new planner arrives, I’ll be marking that baby up with pretty markers, pens, and stickers. (Notice the bouncing of glee over here. Just ignore the kid reaction, focus on the organizational skills.) Continue reading

Rebuilding when your world crashes in flames

LIEFWhen I was diagnosed with arthritis years ago, I was okay. No big deal. Osteoarthritis happens to everyone. Fibromyalgia not so much, but hey, I was learning to adapt, I had a mild case. But over the past year, I experienced more pain, more problem with moving. My levels with inflamation were not going down. In fact, they hadn’t lowered in quite a while. While inflamation rate is only one diagnostic tool my specialist used to help treat me, it was one that concerned both of us, because over time, it should be going down as I was doing everything I was supposed to be, well except losing weight, and even that was happening at this point. So why was I in so much pain?

So March/April comes and I’m in agony. My hands are suffering. My hips and back are aching like a bugger, and walking has become an agony I struggle through. I have nine vials of blood drawn, and bless the vampire lab people who are some of the greatest in the world as they know how to stick me once and be done with it. I saw my doc, who is actually a wonderful man, who allows me to argue with him over getting cortisone shots in my wrists for my carpal tunnel so I can put off surgery. (Can you tell I adore my doc?) The words that came out of his mouth made the world swirl around me in disbelief. The verdict was non-reactive rheumatoid arthritis. Basically, though the test for rheumatoid arthritis came up negative, all of the other testing shows it as being positive. Then the other shoe dropped- my fibromyalgia was worse. So, I needed to start medication to stop my arthritis from destroying my joints, particularly my hands, hips, ankles, and back and going into my neck. The choice was to start a medication that could possibly hurt my eyesight. *blinks* What? You mean my already sucky, legally blind in one eye, eyesight? Yup, that would be the case. So I had to see an opthamologist and get clearance first. Then I took my first dose of plaquenil.

But the pain didn’t go away. Some of the inflamation did. Yet, I was having migraines almost daily. My back and hips were screaming in pain. We won’t talk about my hands. Moving was a chore that had me eating Tylenol and Aleve like candy, which isn’t good at all. I asked my doctors for help, but they all defered to my specialist. I called up his nursing staff and cried. I couldn’t bear the pain anymore. I was reading The Chronic Pain Workbook. I needed something to help. I would do whatever was necessary, but I needed something to help me restore some kind of normal life again. My world crashed hard and it wasn’t getting better.

Enter the emergency appointment. We talked. He poked, he prodded. He made me walk and bend. He squeezed my hands and made me squeeze his. I showed him my pain tracker app I had gotten and been using faithfully for a few weeks, and I showed him the workbook. I was open and honest about needing some kind of pain medication so I could function daily without constantly calling out of work. Then I admitted my shame– taking too much over the counter medication to get through the day and night. I know better. I worked in the medical field. I know the effects the meds have on the body long term. But I needed him to understand how desperate I was in stopping my pain. My doctor made a face at me, told me to stop taking the meds, he would give me something better. I started crying. The idea of pain relief was amazing. I was moving that weekend and I would have pain relief so I wouldn’t have to suffer. I also had to get labs done again. *blinks* Sure, labs. No problem.

Problem. What no one realized, even me– plaquenel alone wasn’t quite cutting it. My inflamation levels went back up. Like, up a lot. I was shocked. I was informed I would have to start the one medication I’ve been dreading from the time I was told about my diagnosis. Methotrexate. Just the sound of the medication bothered me. I knew others who take the med and have problems with it. I have GERD, which could add problems to taking this med, plus I’d have to take folic acid to help counteract the effects of the med, which could include hair loss and other fun things. Can you see why I was suddenly terrified by having to take the med?

1499471_442618135838216_1405824506_nThen they told me, no worries, you only need to take the med once a week, just 3 tablets of 2.5 mg each. That’s not too bad, I thought. Take it on Tuesdays, they said. Beautiful, I thought. My days off. I took the meds, thinking, there will be some discomfort but no big deal. I was so freaking wrong. Pain like nothing I ever experienced hit me. My very joints BURNED. Even the joints I didn’t have trouble with burned, ached, and I felt nauseous. I had a migraine from hell, a fever hit. I felt like dying. If this is what I could expect every week from just 3 tablets once a week- I was doomed. What the hell?

Week two was slightly better, still burning in the joints, still the migraine and fever. But instead of lasting two days, it only lasted for one and a half. Improvement in some ways, crappy still in the long run. Still my hair is thinning slightly and my hair always feeling like it hurts. Taking the pain med helps. I can actually participate in daily life and though there’s pain, I can actually go forward with minimal pain and little long term effect. More importantly, I’ve learned to pace. That’s amazing. I can walk my dog more than 1/4 mile now. It’s been so long, I’ve forgotten how nice it feels to play with him and walk a while without my back giving out.

Now, I still have to make choices. Sometimes I have to use an electric cart in the grocery store instead of walking. Other times I have to use the slowcooker and make dinner in it, because I’m too tired otherwise to make supper when we’re home after work. However, I’ve learned that occasionally I can push myself a little, and I’m okay. I can choose not to push and it’s okay to let it go. That was the hardest thing to learn because I’m not that type. I hate having to put more on my fiance than he already handles. But sometimes I have no choice. But since the move, with the medication changes, I’ve lost another 5 pounds, I’m doing a bit more, my attitude is better, though I still have pain, and today we’re sitting watching the Dolphins play the Texans (go Dolphins!), and I’m okay.

My world crashed hard. It forced me to relook at the world completely differently. I need to make new choices when it comes to typing and writing. I cannot write tons like I used to by hand. Hello Dragon. I bought a couple of books to help get up to speed on dictation and how it can help me write my books. That’s my new goal. ­čÖé But I’m also putting myself first for a while. This arthritis thing– it’s not for sissies. I have to get control of it so it won’t put me out completely. It’s won for a while now and I’m a bit tired of that nonsense. So, I’m learning to pace, learning to put things into action, slowly but surely. Even learning how to be online again. Weird, huh?

But I’m getting there. Thanks to my doc, who lets me argue with him when I’m concerned that I’m taking the easy way or that something will be bad for me. He’s one of the best and I’m so glad he’s on my team. Plus, I know he’s a believer in taking things slow and steady. Not taking the easy way just because. He knows I’ve been overly concerned because I’ve fallen further than I could easily admit. But we’re back on track. Hopefully this med will be the one to help knock this crap into remission. Otherwise, who knows what might be next?

Struggles and Writing

cynwritetalkSo I sit here today watching football in a booth with my male and his mom at a regional chain restaurant. It’s a bit liberating and at the same time it’s chaotic. Do I love football? Yes. Am I fanatic? No. But the energy is great. It’s also a great way to help focus your mind on something new and let yourself go in new directions. I needed this. For a while now I’ve been struggling with some writing issues. I go through good and bad moments with my writing. Things have been better but with my work schedule, it’s been so difficult. However, I’ve had some tarot readings that really made me look at things in a new way. Plus, I’ve made some changes at how I look at myself that are helping me view my writing in a new light. Continue reading

Welcome 2015

22160-Clipart-Illustration-Of-A-Yellow-Emoticon-Face-Wearing-A-Party-Hat-And-Blowing-On-A-Noise-Maker-At-A-Party-150x150Welcome the new year! This is a year I’m hoping for some big changes that will help me in my writing and also will help me personally. So far– I’m sick. *headdesk* However, I’m happy with the fact that I know what I need to do and how to do it. I’ve got the will and I’ve got the techniques to put myself out there and I’m going to do it. ┬áNeedless to say, I’m learning to make sure I take my breaks and with my new work schedule, I can see some major productivity ahead.

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