Aspects, Alter Egos and more

Sometimes therapy reveals more about ourselves and our spirituality than we can ever believe. For me, that day was today. Being pagan means that I often celebrate many holidays that delve into the mystical aspects of the Maiden, Mother, and Crone. Today, in therapy, I figured out that in my own way, I “aspect” or alter ego myself. It started when I was young, a way to protect myself. No, I didn’t develop split personalities, like those with disassociative ¬†indentity disorders do. But what happens is similar in a way. It means that my “alter ego” steps up while I step back, watching as that other aspect of me- the stronger or even weaker part of me, takes over. It means I do remember what goes on, I know what I do, what I say, though sometimes it takes a while to filter to my consciousness. But it does happen.¬†

Everyone says that we wear masks. We wear masks to hide our true selves. In my case, I wear alter egos, a la Clark Kent. I protect the hidden core of what makes me— me. Not many people get to see the real Cyn. Go figure. But there are many who see aspects of me. Just like when you worship the gods– you see their aspects you worship. It’s that principle that hit me hard today. There’s a distance and a protection in doing so. It’s a way to be part of something without fully embracing it. It’s allowed me to be part of life and at the same time, it’s given me a way of keeping it at arm’s length when it got overwhelming. A coping mechanism, my therapist calls it. I’m learning to better integrate the aspects, but as it was pointed out, I might not ever fully expose my core to everyone, nor should I want that.

No super hero wants to be fully exposed twenty-four hours a day. They deserve a day off every once in a while. Same too does someone who has lived through daily life– good and bad. It’s the down time that allows you to process and get rid of the things you don’t need. When you’ve been traumatized, you are overly sensitive, sometimes not knowing what to shed and what to keep, so you cling to everything, because nothing makes complete sense. That’s what I’ve been working on– learning to let go of the pain in my past- the things that have held me back for way too long in life. I’m not the failure I was told I would always be. I’m not evil, that was told to me over and again by those who should have loved me. I”m not the least among those in my family, which is how I was made to feel. I am equal to them. It’s taken me many, many years to realize that. When people tell you harmful things, many times you learn to believe it because it comes from people who are supposed to love you, protect you, and keep you from things that harm. When they’re the perpetrators, you have to unlearn all the wrong things. In my case, I had learned to separate myself early because on some core level, I knew part of what I was told was not correct. How did I cope– I created an alter ego to help deal with what was demanded from me.

I look back at that small, fearful, young child and I weep for her. She didn’t deserve all she went through. She didn’t deserve to feel like she was unloved and in turn, pushed herself away from those who could have given her the love she needed to be whole. I weep for the child that learned that in order to survive, she had to be more than herself. She had to be like a superhero, like the heroines in mystery books– because only by being more could she survive and in turn help those who needed it. One day, I hope she finds peace and acceptance in that she did her best and that no matter what, she is loved for who she is and not for what she does. It’s taken a long time to reach this place in my life- I do love myself– finally.

Happy Valentine’s Day, Everyone!

Today is beautiful outside where I live. It’s not too warm, not too chilly, but a perfect day for me and Shango, my Siberian husky to go walking. We walked around the 6th hole of the golf course we live on twice today, which is good exercise for us both. While doing so, I reflected on what it really means to celebrate this holiday for me. Being a pagan, it’s not always easy to reconcile Christian holidays with pagan holidays, though I try to respect them all. Last night, my male and I had our Valentine’s Day meal- marinated steak, mashed potatoes, peas, green beans, homemade bread, and some Keel and Curley wine- Strawberry Riesling. *grins* We exchanged gifts- we normally keep it simple by getting each other chocolate. (It’s the best way to keep us both happy!)

For me, Valentine’s Day has been a day to celebrate love for love’s sake. It means telling my family I love them with all I have. It means spending time with my male showing him how much I adore him. But it also means not forgetting the other 364 days a year that love needs to be shown often. I laugh when people talk about not liking Valentine’s Day because of the gimmick, and yes, in fact, the original ideas that we do today stem from Victorian times when postal rates were cheap and sending love notes was simple and easy! But more than that, this is one day you can reiterate whole souled about your love for someone and no one will accuse you of blathering or trying to get into his pants or what-not. Today is a day where love comes first– something we as individuals, as groups, as nations, as a world– sometimes forget to do. It’s a day not about hatred, but about loving ourselves and each other– regardless of beliefs or where we stand on the political fence.

So Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you! May Cupid hit you right on the butt cheeks with the love of your life!

Writing- This Week’s Writing

So, I’m doing Around the Word in 80 Days and I’ve been writing. With both my Morning Pages (ala The Artist Way by Julie Cameron), writing Se’s story, and handwriting– I’ve done over 4k this week. It’s not completely what I wanted to do, but it’s good. Really good. I even did my work’s newsletter. (I deserve bonus points for this.)

How does this put me for the coming week? I’m working to try to make the same or more for this week. So feel free to cheer me on, kick my butt, or send me inspiration. In fact, the male and I had date night Saturday¬† and we went to see Season of the Witch. I really enjoyed the movie. It really helped to push some serious creative mojo in the well and also got my mind thinking in various ways in regards to medieval times, witchcraft and how times have and haven’t changed. Really helps when it comes to the fact I write a lot of pagan themed books.

Do I recommend seeing the movie? Yes, if you want to see some cool CGI, some battle scenes, and something that will make you think. No, if you don’t like to spend money and if you know a lot about the medieval times and how the Church viewed witchcraft and women in general. There are a couple of surprises I won’t spoil for you as they really helped to move and develop the plot along, let’s just say– they do really well with some of the red herrings. Oh yeah, Nicholas Cage looks verra nice in the movie and the young Kay looks very roguish himself! *grins*

Pagan: Lammas, Lughnassadh- Harvest Time

Today I begin my vacation. This time of the year has always been special for me. More so because it’s a great time of the year to enjoy the bounty of the earth. Today is the time of the harvest, one of the major holidays for most pagans. It’s also a time celebrated by those who grow food. But what does it mean to celebrate Lughnassadh- the time of the harvest? Continue reading