BDSM Blog Hop- Is consent necessary in BDSM romance?

Today, I’m part of the BDSM Blog Hop. As you can see, we’re talking BDSM and we’re enjoying it all! I’m actually thrilled to be part of this because for me, it’s about sharing what I enjoy writing and reading—good quality BDSM romance. One of the things I’m often asked by those from outside of the romance community, is how come romance readers seem to think that people in the BDSM lifestyle do not seem to take consent seriously? It got me thinking, which then led me to this blog post.


First and foremost—safety is a major thing with those within the BDSM lifestyle. You’ll hear the acronyms- SSC or RACK heard often and interchanged. Though similar ideas, they’re not always dealt with in the same manner. SSC is Safe, Sane and Consensual. But what is that? How do you know what you’re doing is safe, sane and consensual between two adults? Anything in life has risks- even walking across a busy street. That’s why many people within the community started using the term- RACK. It stands for Risk, Awareness, Consensual Kink. The idea there is that you learn what is safer and what is less safe. You learn the risks involved with certain behaviours and how to protect yourself and others. As you acknowledge the limitations in yourself and the one you’re doing a scene with, you are aware of the consent you give each other to push the boundaries of kink. This is a more simplified definition, but one that many can easily understand. When I don’t see this in action in BDSM romances or books that use BDSM as part of their storyline, I get very upset. It gives the world of BDSM a very bad name and it totally ignores the principles by which many people live by.

Many readers might ask if it matters to have accuracy when it comes to BDSM romance, especially when it comes to consent. The answer is a resounding, “YES!” Why? Because without consent, a Dominant cannot help a submissive get into subspace properly. They have no idea on what appeals to the submissive or what is off-limits. Without RACK, they don’t know what fears the other has so they don’t go past those boundaries that might hurt or what areas are curiosities, but not pleasures. More importantly, without accuracy within BDSM romance—you have romance without depth. You miss an entire level of interaction between the Dominant and submissive within a scene which brings it to a higher plane of emotion, eroticism, and mentality than you have otherwise.

In my book, Cupid Shoots, She Scores—there’s a female Dominant who is trying to woo not one male submissive, but two. Two men who are pledged to each other and know they need a female Domina to guide them. They know who they want, but they don’t think they can have her. They have no idea that their boss is setting them up with her sister, the Domina in question. But the Domina guides them by their needs, their wants, using their lists that tell them what they like, dislike and are curious about to help guide them to fulfillment as well as to teach them about her wants and needs. That’s what a good Dominant does. A good submissive wants to please their Dominant, but at the same time, knows that they too have power. The power exchange they engage in is one of mutual trust built upon a foundation of respect and pleasure. This book is probably one of my favourites because I really get a chance to explore the BDSM world in a setting not often seen by many.

Consent allows the submissive to use a safe word when things get too intense emotionally or even physically. A caring Dominant would never push a submissive into an area where their submissive feels battered, uncared for or betrayed. Yes, sometimes during a scene, you might reveal and uncover underlying emotional aspects to your psyche you hadn’t known existed, but an aware Dominant will constantly check to make sure you’re okay, to make sure that you’re not feeling overwhelmed or will hold back, allowing you time to make sense of what you’re feeling, especially if it’s not in relation to what you’re experiencing.

I remember reading once that a heroine had a phobia about being blindfolded and yet the hero blindfolded her anyway, while she was tied up. I was livid. Absolutely livid and I wouldn’t finish reading that book. No one who was part of the BDSM community would have enjoyed the book nor would they have recommended that book to others.

No well-trained Dominant would ever do such a thing to someone with a phobia like that. If they wanted to work on that, there would be a progressive experience to help her reach that goal of enjoying being blindfolded. First, she would be covered given sunglasses with one glass removed. Then glasses that were painted over, so she couldn’t see in front of her, but could see peripherally, but she would never be restrained during that time. Slowly, over several sessions, the submissive would be introduced to further sight deprivation—but only as long as she could handle them and as long as she experienced pleasure, not suffering during those moments. The moment the pleasure ended, her sight would be given back to her. The idea is to associate the once negative aspect with something pleasant. Then the goal is to replace that pleasant aspect with pure pleasure that subspace brings, where the submissive is fully focused on the moment and the pleasure in that moment.

Even if the concept of RACK or SSC isn’t discussed in a BDSM romance, you should see signs of it within the pages. A caring Dominant who asks what a submissive likes, if there is any pain, if they are comfortable, if they want to continue in the scene as it gets more intense. A good submissive will always speak up, letting the Dominant know how they’re feeling within the scene, if they are feeling uncomfortable, if there’s something they are wary of, or if they have a phobia of anything. The idea of “I don’t need a safe word, I can handle anything” is a fallacy and those people are often escorted out of the play area. They’re the ones who get hurt and blame everyone but themselves. In romances, you don’t need them either. You want those who really care, they’re consensual kinksters who really truly respect their partner and want the best for them as they listen to the needs, desires and more. Consent in BDSM romance is the only way to go.

 

Don’t forget to visit the others in this BDSM Blog Hop!

And don’t forget the contest going on too! a Rafflecopter giveaway

 

0 thoughts on “BDSM Blog Hop- Is consent necessary in BDSM romance?

  • I haven’t read a book yet with a female dom. Sounds interesting!

    I agree that good dom would listen and respect a submissive’s phobias.

    thank you for the giveaway!

    books4me67 at ymail dot com

  • Excellent points! Safety is so important. Sometimes we need reminders as we read Fiction.
    Mel
    bournmelissa at hotmail dot com

  • Very informative post & I totally agree. You brought out alot of very important points in the BDSM world. I haven’t read a book with a female Dom & this book sounds too good to pass up. I’ll be adding it to my TBRs. Thank you for participating in this hop & for the giveaway.

    JessieL62@comcast.net

  • Thanks for the reminder about safety. Would love to read about the Female Domme with two men. Sounds fun.

    kesummer69 at gmail dot com

  • What a fantastic post, full of great information for everyone! There are a lot of people who say, this is fiction and it doesn’t have to be accurate. And sometimes, those forget the consent part. I like reading more of the truer or more accurate details in a book than some made up stuff just to sell books.
    luvfuzzzeeefaces at yahoo dot com

  • I have not read too many Fem-Domme stories, but I do enjoy them occasionally. Thanks so much for the giveaway.
    June
    manning_j2004 at yahoo dot com

  • I would love to be play a dominant to two male submissives, great concept. Great post by the way, I find I learn more and more about the lifestyle. I really enjoy reading BDSM stories, awesome that there are so many of you authors that wrote those stories and just as there are many of you, you all write in different styles…it’s a win-win for me 😉 Thanks for the opportunity!

  • I would love to be play a dominant to two male submissives, great concept. Great post by the way, I find I learn more and more about the lifestyle. I really enjoy reading BDSM stories, awesome that there are so many of you authors that wrote those stories and just as there are many of you, you all write in different styles…it’s a win-win for me 😉 Thanks for the opportunity!

  • Great post! A lot of smart, informative information. I hate those books that think forcing someone in the name of BDSM is ok! SO NOT TRUE! Thanks for the information.
    Thanks for the great contest!
    forettarose@yahoo.com

  • Great post! A lot of smart, informative information. I hate those books that think forcing someone in the name of BDSM is ok! SO NOT TRUE! Thanks for the information.
    Thanks for the great contest!
    forettarose@yahoo.com

  • That was a great informative post! Thank you for sharing. Cupid Shoots, She Scores sounds intriguing. I have yet to read a book with a female Dominant. 🙂
    trb0917 at gmail.com

  • That was a great informative post! Thank you for sharing. Cupid Shoots, She Scores sounds intriguing. I have yet to read a book with a female Dominant. 🙂
    trb0917 at gmail.com

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