This week is an interesting topic, one that doesn’t have just one answer– but many. But I digress, let’s start with the question and go from there. Because of the nature of this question, I’ll be breaking down my responses over this week, next week and the week after. Why? Because otherwise it’d be a long, long post to read!

Orgasms are considered the end all, be all of sex. But when you read many magazines, they talk about the various orgasms and how to get them. Yet, no matter what I try, I can’t seem to have them but only one way. Is this wrong? Or are there other ways to experience the joys of orgasms?— Orgasmically Challenged

One thing to note, not all women are capable of orgasm. That’s right, not all of us females have the capacity to orgasm due to biological differences, diseases and other aspects that stop us. So, please go see your doctor and discuss this with him/her and see if you need specialized treatment for any medical problems. Ths same goes for men, if you have trouble with arousal and staying erect or having problems ejaculating– see your doctor!

Now, what’s interesting about this question is that it’s not the first time this subject has ever come up. When it comes to women and the big O– the hows, whys, whens, and the WTFs come out hard. The thing is, there is no wrong or right way to have an orgasm. The biggest misconception that both men and women have about female orgasm are the body parts– and how to make the big finale be enjoyable. Yet, for all we talk about orgasms– there is no one simple definition of what an orgasm is.

 Let’s talk about the clitoris and clitoral orgasms, which it seems that most women can achieve over vaginal orgasms. If you’re unfamiliar with what a clitoris looks like, please go to and find out more. I love this website and highly recommend it if you want to learn more about this sexual organ. Then next week, we’ll talk vaginal orgasms, and after that– male orgasms.

Most people think the clitoris is that little bud that resembles a penis, but way smaller. But there’s more to it than that. Let’s take a look.

clitoris and more

There are a few things I want to point out at first. Most people think that bump they find in that area is the clitoris– au contraire, it’s usually the clitoral hood. Women who have a bigger hood, find it harder to be stimulated thus arousal becomes harder for them to achieve. But just like an uncircumsized penis, you can’t just pull back that hood and just go to it. You have to rub on it, massage it lightly, stimulate it so that the hood will slide back slowly and cautiously, exposing that glorious little pleasure nub. Lubrication always helps as well, so don’t stint on using it.

Notice the outer and inner labia as well. This is important, because newer studies have shown that the clitoral nerves not only are in the small bulb but extend down into the labia a couple of inches. This means that the more you stimulate not only the clitoris, but also the labia, you increase the likelihood of orgasm. How does this translate into clitoral orgasm? It means that by stroking, light sucking, light abrasion, and more, you increase the blood flow to this area to engorge and cause the nerves to react. This knowledge will come in handy later.

Funny thing is, more women experience orgasms due to clitoral stimulation, specifically direct stimulation over any other type. So, how can we have true orgasm and not let anyone else feel left out? Is there a way so both parties can have simultaneous orgasms?

Women are aroused by both mental and physical stimulation. This means that you can touch a woman all you want, but unless you hit the One-Two of Mental arousal with the physical– you’re going to be disappointed. This means that lovers have to take a holistic approach when it comes to arousing a woman. The hormonal mixture that consists of woman arousal is along the lines of a Long Island Iced Tea versus a whiskey on the rocks. So what to do?

Whisper dirty, sexy comments about what they do to you, what you want to do to her in her ear. More importantly, as you speak these things, you want to stroke her body. This means that you spend time on her nipples, the skin under her breasts, stroking down her stomach muscles, arousing her inner thighs, working your way towards the outer labia lips before sliding your finger to where the inner labia lips are. You also want to kiss her, make her feel your warmth and how doing this to her arouses you. A woman needs to know that touching her gets you excited or it cuts off part of the hormonal cocktail.

That said, when you begin touching the genitalia, start with light, gentle strokes. Why? Because you’re trying to increase the lubrication and stimulation that you’ve already started. Begin with gentle, short strokes from the top of the hood, then brushing down the labia lips. Repeat a few times, then gently, use one hand to spread the lips apart, exposing her more to your sight. Once she’s opened to you, stroke again, using both gentle and slightly firmer strokes on the inner lips, stroking the hood, and once it’s lubricated, gently pushing it back, allowing you access to the clitoris itself.

Before you get all excited here, don’t put any direct stimulation on the clitoris itself yet. Why? We’re building up the fires of arousal here. Make sure that you watch for her responses, if there is something in particular that she reacts to, you want to continue doing it, but making sure to vary it with other movements as to not overstimulate her. As the arousal grows, she might move, to guide your fingers or even your mouth to her clitoris. Be guided by her needs and wishes here. She knows what turns her on and when she’s close to orgasm.

When it comes to direct stimulation, keep it light with gentle sweeps of your fingertip or with your tongue. Occasionally with the varying of light and firm strokes, you’re going to want to gently put a bit more pressure on the clitoris. A good analogy for men is when you get very excited, your grip upon your cock will tighten then loosen, shifting the complexity of sensation. The slightly rougher grip helps increase the intensity while the lighter touch helps build that desire to a higher peak. Same principle here.  If you’re pleasuring her orally, gently rake your teeth over the clitoris, yet be cautious of causing pain. The goal here is to give a slightly rougher sensation that’s still pleasurable. If you’re finger pleasuring, then you want to flick your nail over the tip, making sure not to be too hard on the aroused nub.

Intermix both direct stimulus and indirect stimulus while continuing to stroke other parts of her body and speak to her in a soothing yet erotic tone. This contributes to the buildup of orgasm. Practice these techniques with the idea of finding out what rhythm, depth, direct and indirect stimulation is needed. You might receive an orgasm, or you might find that the woman has release, but perhaps not a deep an orgasm you might think she should have. Orgasms can be learned, though again– not all women have experienced them.

One video I highly recommend to both men and women about Orgasms is called The O Tapes. You can find out more about it here–  Sometimes it airs on many of the movie channels on cable. Tape it, watch it and really learn more about how unique orgasms can be for women.