Recently, someone asked me a question and I realized that it needed to be answered not just to her, but here on my site as well.
Mistress Cynnara, my boyfriend wants me to dominate him, but because he’s younger, thinner, etc etc, I find it hard to dominate him like I think he wants. How does one dominate another? — DominewThis is a good question and one that required some thought and planning when discussing. More importantly, it’s not something you can do lightly. Many people want to experience someone else in control, but don’t fully grasp the concept of what it means to be dominated. When they get a taste of it, they can be shaken up and they react badly. First thing to do- discuss what they think it means to be dominated. Ask them what they feel it means to them sexually and otherwise. Once you have an idea of what it means– whether they want to be tied up, bossed around, or just not be in charge of how they have sex with you, then you can take the next step. What is that step?
Devise a plan. First, it’s not always natural to be the boss. It’s something we learn how to do because we step up into that role. Find that part of you that’s strong, demanding, and desires to have someone serve them. That’s the biggest part of it. Once you discover that part of yourself, then you’re ready to consider how to dominate your partner. Set aside your wants for a moment and focus on your partner’s needs. Why do they want you to dominate them? What does it give them that they don’t normally receive in the day-to-day grind? What does it give you as well? How do you feel in the position of power? Though the submissive is always in control- the one who can halt it, there is a power play involved and you have to have control in how you wield that power. Make a list of the things they want done and how you can put most of them into a scene that benefits you both.
Gather the necessary items to put your plan into action. This means that you either check your house for those items you already have or you consider going shopping. (I enjoy shopping– especially at Adam and Eve’s website. I just need about $5k and I so could have a complete collection of stuff to use and teach with!) Some items you will want to include- incense, music, rope, large pieces of fabric, a small bowl (to fill with ice, water, chocolate sauce), a cock ring, a small anal vibrator, lube, condoms, nipple clamps, mouth gag, etc. The idea is to have various items that you can use to help create a sensation of being dominated for your lover. Depending on what they want or what kind of fantasy they’ve shared with you, that will also play into what you want to include for the scene.
Get into the dominant state of mind. This requires you to think tough. Be tough, and more importantly, be aware of your partner. In this mindset, you’re thinking of how to bring them physical pleasure by teasing and taunting of their senses, so they can let go with you. It’s not about hurting them, it’s about preventing them from doing what they want, and releasing themselves into your care. Many people think of being dominated as being tied up and teased sexually. It’s actually the simplest way to bring yourself into that state. Think on what you would do to your lover if they were bound to the bed, your favourite sex music was playing, and only you guided what happened. They couldn’t come without permission, they have to leave everything to you– what would you do? How would you do it?
With these ideas in mind, think of how you’d like to play out this scenario with your lover. Then go to them and discuss in loose terms on what you plan to do. Do not tell them everything, but talk about some of the things you are considering- see if they find any of it scary or if they want to try it. Establish a safe word- something that’s not easily forgotten and would be an accurate warning to stopping what was happening. Once you get an idea on what they would like and what you have discovered would please you and them, then you’re ready to begin setting the scene.
Take your time. Don’t rush this. Do it in small segments. Perhaps one time tie up their hands. Add in some teasing– not letting them touch you, not letting them come until you come at least once or twice. Teasing their body with sensations they’ve not associated with sex. Take the time to make sure you state what will happen and what you expect from them. “I’m going to touch you with these fabrics. I want you to tell me if they turn you on or if they make you want to pull away. You are NOT to move while I do this.”
Make sure you command them to do some things. It includes them in on the arousal process, but it also shows them their place is to serve. This will also emphasize the concept of being submissive and giving into someone who is dominating them. Take your time in this. Work up to various ideas. Just like kinky sex takes time and repetition to build upon, the same goes with domination. It’s not something you jump in and succeed in one shot. It’s about one step at a time to build up into a good, loving Dom/me.
Until next time,