Mistress Cynnara- I know you’re called a mistress because you engage in sexual BDSM. But honestly, what is BDSM? Is it just another form of kink? How do you know if you’re truly into the world of BDSM? — Tie Me Up and Spank Me in Texas
BDSM is a hot topic right now in many areas- from television, books, and more. Why? Because people are realizing that kink and the deeper ingrained needs aren’t just the usual missionary or woman superior sex anymore. What’s more important, great strides have been made, including the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) have declared that BDSM activities are part of normal life, as long as they, like most things, are not taken in the extreme.
That said, over the next few weeks, we’re going to talk about BDSM, the players, scening, toys and more. If you have any questions, feel free to post them here or email me at cynnara AT cynnara DOT com. The idea over the next few weeks is to introduce you into an ancient lifestyle that not only satisfies many sexual needs, but also emotional ones as well. So, let’s start from the beginning.
BDSM stands for:
Bondage – slavery
Dominant– rule, control, be the most powerful or influential member or part of something
Submission – surrender, defer, meek, obedient
Sadism – a form of (sexual) perversion marked by love of inflicting pain
Masochism – abnormal condition where pleasure (esp. sexual) is derived from pain humiliation, etc.
Some also categorize BDSM as Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/submission/sado-masochism. They’re all within the general umbrella, and many times there are crossovers within the world of BDSM.
What makes BDSM interesting is that most people focus on the extremes, yet it’s the moderate forms from tying each other up, role-laying, spanking and such that make up a majority of those within the lifestyle.
While at this moment, let’s discuss stereotypes. Yes, they do exist—the pussy-whipped man, the leather-clad Dominatrix, etc. Yet, there is more to it. There are specific reactions and emotions associated for those involved. Stereotypes often give us a flagpole to start at, but we might be lower in some areas, higher in others. Plus there’s another reason, one that two Dominants reminded me—safety. When you’re wielding whips and other toys, the wielder needs to be protected from a stray strike, especially if they’re trying to stop someone improperly trained.
It’s important to note that not everyone incorporates all aspects that make the term BDSM. It’s why there’s such a variation.
That said; BDSM is NOT a fetish. Fetish behavior is the act of adoration towards an object or an act, and not to a person. Boot fetish, leather, PVC, etc—it’s about how it heightens your desire, but it’s not BDSM. It can be incorporated in play, but fetish is not BDSM and BDSM is not fetish.
One major acronym you’ll hear spoken of a lot is SSC.
This stands for: Safe, Sane, Consensual.
This precept is important for all parties involved. Why? The goal is simple, Be Safe; in what we do. Sane; adult consent to be careful. Consensual; both agree to what happens.
There are those that go beyond the SSC, which is a shame. Within those bonds you know a limit is set and all things are done sanely, in a safe manner, and with full consent. Those who follow SSC, often institute safe words. These safe words are often easy to remember, and are different enough to stand out during a scene. Common ones are Red (stop), Yellow (slow down, pause), and Green (go). With your safe words and sharing what to look for in regards to distress, being uncomfortable; it allows both people to voice and stop play or to continue it.
Who plays within BDSM, and what are they thinking?
For this particular workshop, we’re going to concentrate on the Domination/Submission aspects, since all aspects boil down to three major groups, then subdivide further.
Getting to know the roles people fall into, will help you learn your characters better. So, we discuss the broad definitions, the variety of with the ‘genre’ and the psychological/emotional motivation, the richness of the lifestyle, will enhance your storyline.
The three major players are:
Dominant – The ‘Alpha’, the leader, the guide.
Submissive – The ‘Beta’, the follower, the guided.
Switch – The ‘Omega’, the second in command type, gives, takes, can lead but also follow.
Learning to see a person within their role can be hard, but many a top executive who controls millions by day, will walk through the doorway of their bedroom, or playroom, and will shift into an obedient submissive who leaves it to her Dominant to make all the decisions. Or you can take a woman that teaches school, takes care of her family, but when she walks through that doorway, she calls the shots, she will be obeyed and worshipped and given her due.
Yes, these sound stereotypical, we’ve been given those images, but what we need to ask is: what would make a person change 180 degrees from how everyone sees them, behind closed doors? What motivates them to want to be told what to do, to be bossed around, to spank another, to drop hot wax on another? What emotional fulfillment do these actions give them emotionally, mentally, and sexually?
Before we get into each type in-depth, there is something that needs to be clarified. There are people who live the BDSM both day and night.
There are those who have some BDSM in their ‘real time’ relationship outside of the bedroom. The come those who only play when they can, but wouldn’t bring it into their ‘other life’. Beyond that, you have the players – the ones who’ve read just enough to pass initial scrutiny, but have no clue beyond their thought on how BDSM is. Lifestylers – the first two mentioned are the ones we don’t often read about unless it’s some kind of scandal.
That’s all for this week. Next week, we’ll dive into the world of the Dominant. If you’re a Dominant within the BDSM lifestyle, I’d be honoured to have you participate and join in, sharing your knowledge and the lessons you’ve learned.
Until next time- dream hot, loved and be loved, and keep safe.