Intimacy– whether it be a touch, sexual intercourse, or just two people in an open speaking relationship– it’s a necessity for human survival. Living without physical or emotional intimacy leads to many bad things. Want proof? Look towards the studies shown from the Touch Institute based in Miami, Florida for more information. People who are not given human intimacy from birth wither away and die. But how does this translate into deeper intimacy as adults?
First- our nature is sexual. Our instinct is for safety, pleasure, and reproduction, and not necessarily in that order. Our goals in life are simple- to survive, to grow, to pass on our knowledge and have someone carry on our name and legacy. To not be forgotten. But, that being said, there is more to being a sexual and sensual being. It means a need for intimacy– a need to be close on a physical, sometimes emotional level with another human being. It’s a primal need that shouldn’t be swept away because of belief systems that say otherwise. Unfortunately– belief systems are not always congruous with human physiology and nature; but often work against it– as if denying ourselves what we need to survive is a good thing.
For three years, I denied myself the right to having affection, love, and touching by others. For three years, I told myself I wasn’t worthy…and I believed it. Not because of my weight (though it did play a factor) but because I felt inhuman, unable to cope or be with humanity. But in denying myself the touch of another person– lover, friend, heartmate, soulmate– I denied myself the right to become and rediscover my humanity. I lost the part of me that allowed me to write the stories I do– full of passion, full of life, of showing the consequence of desire and destiny. I denied me the right to be me. How f**king stupid could I be?
What changed? Part of it was losing the weight, slowly and surely. Part of it was recognizing the trueness of needing intimacy as a human. The main thing was realizing that by denying my instinctive needs to be touched and to touch, to indulge in my carnal wishes as well as my emotional desires, I forbade myself to grow as a person. I stopped being human. Instead, I went through withdrawing from family, friends, and more. I became physically ill and, in turn, it made me pull further from all the things that made me happy. I denied a basic need of survival.
Do I believe sexual intercourse is necessary to being intimate? In many cases– HELL YES. But intercourse is not the end all be all of intimacy. It’s the easiest way of giving and receiving pleasure on a level that replenishes the system without being overloaded– unless that’s your particular release mechanism. (No comment from the peanut gallery over there!) By actively receiving pleasure and giving pleasure, you not only give intimacy, you are receiving it in a large, concentrated dose that is only for you.
Now, I’m lucky. I’ve got a few heartmates out there. Heartmates who mean the world to me and I’m very very lucky to have them. They’re the ones I can go and sit with and allow their presence and their attention to feed my need for intimacy. They not only provide the physical hugs, kisses, and caresses that I need in non-sexual times, they’re often the ones who turn their attention on me and just by paying me that big of attention– give me the intimacy of feeling special. (A huge thanks to a special lady and her hubby for being heartmates of mine. Your presence in my life has made such a huge difference in my world!) When you feel special from those whom you consider special to your heart– you feel human and have made an intimate bond. One that is to be treasured.
Now, does this mean I am never intimate with my heartmates? Yeah, riiiight. This means, intimacy on a sexual level isn’t always there for my heartmates and myself. BUT…that said… yeah, I’ve had a sexual relationship with some heartmates and wished like hell I had with others. Why? I’ve always grown and become more of who I’m meant to be when I’ve been able to be completely open with my heartmates. Their love for me and my love for them often times gets expressed in ways that others might find….a bit unusual. Then again–we’ve had that discussion about my sexuality. lol
Do I believe you should only have sexual intimacy after marriage. Uh, no. Those of you of the devout, please form a line at the rear and reread my earlier paragraphs. I believe that you cannot know what you need on an intimate level as well as a heart level unless you know your sexual, mental, and emotional needs and what you can give. How can you give sexually unless you know you’re compatible or incompatible. (Ain’t nothing like finding out you and a buddy are compatible until AFTER you both decide not to date. ARGH!!!) But again, I refer back to human nature and instinct– not to what we teach and train ourselves. The only way I know I will be able to fulfill my soulmate is by learning what pleases others and myself so I can try various things to find the pleasure to give. Just as I expect my soulmate to have done the same thing. (Trust me, I made the major error of being with a virgin when I wasn’t. Ain’t happening again. Nope.)
Intimacy is what you make of it– physical, emotional, spiritual and more. I believe the more you receive from others, the more you give in return. Remember that for all you are– you are only what you give and if you have no idea on how to be intimate– how can you give the gift of intimacy to those whom you love and care for?
Just a thought to consider.