We’re not all model beautiful nor actor perfect as we see on TV or movies. But how can the average Jane and John feel sexy both in and out of the bedroom? 

I’m going to admit, I don’t have all the answers for this one. In fact, it’s something I struggle with myself- on a regular basis. But it’s something I take seriously. Being sexy, being content with ones self is so important, it’s worth doing and redoing until you’re feeling fantastic. Too often we see things advertised to help us lose more weight, cover the gray, diminish wrinkles, hide the fat under clothes and more. Though these things help us in a physical manner to make us look sexy to others, it doesn’t change one important factor– how YOU feel. 

Think on that for a moment. What makes you feel sexy? Is it the way a person’s gaze lingers on your body or face? Is it the way your lover touches you, reassuring that you’re wanted and loved? Is it when you feel good about yourself and that you know you present a picture of health and happiness to the world? Sexy means different things to different people. But there are a few things that seem to be in common. 

We all feel sexier when someone notices us in an approving fashion. From someone who smiles at us because we’re dressed in an eye-catching, yet subtle manner to the person who can’t take their eyes from how good you look that one evening. Having someone who shows active interest to our physical aspects will always make us sit straighter, push those shoulders back, tilt our head up a bit more and walk with a slightly more suggestive tone to it. When you feel attractive- you’ll act more attractive. Funny, but true. 

My lover gets on my case a lot because I ask him if he thinks I’m pretty. He doesn’t understand that occasionally I need that physical reaffirmation that I’m sexy to him. He’s an alpha male and though he’s not model gorgeous, he’s got those rugged looks that make a woman take notice. (Have I mentioned his physique is construction worker-esque?) He’s also got a healthy sense of self worth, something I do lack a bit. Though I don’t need to have him tell me, his telling me that I’m pretty or that I look particularly sexy at a certain time helps reinforce my own private opinion of myself at that day. It gives me that extra boost of confidence and sexiness I might need because mentally I’m having a “am I sexy or not” day. 

While I was watching Gok help this woman to feel sexy and more self assured, I realized it was pertinent not only to women, but to men. I will admit, I would NOT turn down some time with Gok- because that man would be good for my soul- not to mention my fashion sense. (I have some, but I so need help!) As I watched last night where he helped this woman who has a normal, curvy body to feel good about herself, I even felt myself feeling good that I have curves. Even though I have a lot of weight to lose, for the first time in weeks, I felt– sexy again. And that made me think- why? 

Like most people, I don’t have much time to do the things I want or need to do. I pay bills, I work full-time, and I also write and edit at other times. For the past 3 weeks I’ve also been recovering from a simple out-patient procedure that emotionally and mentally changed how I viewed myself. I hadn’t thought it would, but it did. Yet, watching Gok talk and touch and do his magic, I felt a shift in my own viewpoint. 

That’s what most of us need- a shift in our viewpoint. Not to mention a personal beauty assistant who can help us with wardrobe issues. What I’m encouraging for you to do right now is pull out a mirror. Full length is best, but even a hand mirror will do right now. Look at yourself. Really gaze into your own eyes, study your face thoroughly. As you do this, look for what you find attractive. Honestly, here- no false sense of “I’m the best thing ever!” is necessary. Just find those aspects you’d find attractive and sexy on someone else…but on your face. Once you do that, think on how you can highlight those aspects. Both men and women can do more to care for their skin, to reduce wrinkles, and to make their faces look younger and more in touch with their sexuality. 

The one thing I noticed for myself- I need a hair cut. My hair is long, in fact, it’s taking on a shape I like, but it needs to be refined a bit to really be fabulous. So, I’m going to get it cut, shaped and highlights to be put in it. What does that mean for me? It’ll give me a confidence boost and make me feel sexy. My hair is one of my best features- and it’s something that is easy to take care of so I can always feel sexy when I want to seduce or just want to have a great day. 

For men and women, using makeup– and yes, men- some makeup can help make you feel more confident as well, can bring about that change. Over the years, I’ve refined my use of makeup. I use the bare minimum of foundation and eye liner if I’m going to the day job, to using more when going out. When I take the time to do that little bit, it boosts how I see myself and how I know others perceive me- thus letting me feel good. Take a chance- see what colours and what tips you can learn from professionals. See if there isn’t some new colour or technique that helps you feel a bit more sexy out there. 

Continuing with the mirror– really look at your trunk area. From the shoulders and arms to your belly, really take a look at yourself. Do you have anything to feel good about? If so, think on how to showcase that aspect. One thing that Gok pointed out and the more I thought on it, the more I agreed- we don’t have to be perfectly thin or in shape, but we do need to love our body regardless of our fitness and see the positive shapes of being curvaceous and strong. For men, this means feeling great that you have broad shoulders, good pec muscles– even if you feel you can stand to lose weight. In my male, he’s got what I consider the perfect chest. Seriously, I love and adore his chest. To him, he can stand to lose some of the fat on it, firm up the muscles. Which will only make his chest even more sexy to me- but at this moment, I find his chest to be damn sexy. So what about you is sexy to your lover? What do you think people notice and are drawn to in this area? Make note of that and how to dress up to that good area. 

Now the belly– I dread my belly. I have to lose my belly- not completely, because well genetics and I are too intertwined, but a good portion of this fat must go. But I’ll never be slender. I’m built too much like a football player in the shoulders and too peasant-ish otherwise to be dainty and princess-waif like. However, even when I lose the weight, my belly will be curved from being a mother, from hating crunches with a passion, from the fact I hate working out and I love food. That said, I find a woman with a curved belly to be very sexy. Why? Because there are muscles there, there is a softness you can lay your head on and feel both aroused and comforted. There’s something so feminine about a rounded belly that just begs to be touched and worshipped. 

For men, trust me, though it might look nice to have those sculpted abs of steel– I might not be tempted to lay my head there. Nope. Too hard. Give me a man who has some definition to his stomach area, but not overdeveloped anytime. Don’t get me wrong, I drool nicely over well-defined male abs and those sexy hips– but when it comes to loving and sexy– I’ll take a man with a bit of flesh on those areas- means no pain when he’s plunging his cock deep inside my body. 

Since I strayed into the hip area, think on yours. Then look at it. Are you being unreasonable when you think your hips are fat? Do you have a lovely walk that shifts those hips and gets attention that you fail to notice? Hips should be noticed, they should sway when you walk, and if you’re a female, they should be rounded. How else can a lover grip you tightly as he brings you both pleasure? 

Men- your hips will always be narrower than women. We both love you and curse you for it. But learn to love your hips. Learn to see what we do- that those hips set the stage for a nice ass. Most women love male asses. Chest and shoulders rock when you want to be romantic, but if we’re honest, a nice ass just makes you want to grip it, bite it, and hold on to it when your cock is working our bodies. Showcase those hips by wearing clothes that emphasize the good aspects and helps bring the attention to a great ass if you have one. 

As you can see, by taking the time to look at each body area– and yes, I’ve stopping from going all the way from thighs (mine need help) to feet, you assess the good and the bad. Then find out how to emphasize the good. And you work on the bad. Whether it means working out more– which I’m doing now, slowly but surely, or you learn what it means to have clothing style (still learning…I drove my mother insane when I tried shopping for clothes when I was young). By accenting the positive and deemphasizing the negative, you’ll feel more sexy– and that translates into others finding you more sexy. 

Sexy is honestly, a state of mind that’s easily influenced by sight. But when you feel good, feel that you’re dressed well, and you come to terms with the good and bad of your body- you can move forward into what I’m calling the Zen of Sexy. Sexy is defined personally by our needs and desires. And to be sexy, we have to think sexy. And when I dress for work, I know I look good, ready to do my job. But do I believe it? That’s the part I need to work on. Believing the hype I’m putting out there. Seeing myself as others see me. 

See yourself as sexy. Try it for a week. Each day, dress to emphasize one good area of your body. Whether it’s for work or for your lover. Take the time to go through your clothes and see what makes you feel sexy…and see how those around you respond. Make note of it. Then see what other items you own fall into that style category…and remember- everyone is sexy- it’s how we bring it out to others that makes people say… “That person is damned sexy!” 

Until next time, keep safe, love hard, and love yourself. 

Mistress Cynnara

Physical attributes are the first and foremost aspect people consider when they talk about sexy. You ask any person “What is the first thing you find sexy about a male or female?” the list is invariably physical first. There are some who have it by rote to say “humour” or some such– but it’s just that– rote learning. Physicality is the first thing we as creatures notice– what excites us, what piques our interest, what draws us closer. After that, come what sociologists and anthropologists called the deeper qualities– intellect, humour, etc. In fact, there have been studies that uphold this thought process.

That said, I have to admit, sometimes I hate the physicality aspect and other times, it’s okay. Today, I was walking home from the bus stop, when a car went by with a nice looking male (whom I didn’t know) and he whistled at me. I laughed out loud and waved. It made me feel good inside that regardless that I have a lot of weight to lose, I could trigger a response. (We won’t mention that said guy stopped the car and asked me out. That would be bragging. LOL)

Studies have even shown that beautiful women marry men who are often considered “less” attractive then them- not because of jealousy, but because they want a supportive spouse. Even more interesting is that males have a tendency to overlook their own looks and go towards those women who are considered beautiful or above their own beauty level. Yet, time and again, people will say they look for compatibility, intellect, honesty, humour when talking about what makes a person sexy. Studies have said that those aspects are often paired with the physical when we see people interact with others.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit, I’m prone to the physical attractive thing– Christian Bale, David Bowie, Jonas Armstrong, John Barrowman and the like. Though the physical attracts me, it’s often in combination with a personality trait- intensity of emotions, similar abilities, intellect and more. What’s funny– I can lust for these males, but the idea of having a relationship with them doesn’t necessary equate in my thinking. They’re eye candy- great for the dreaming and the writing of stories, but of that above list– only 2 truly would appeal to me beyond the quick roll in the hay. Why? Because those two appeal to me in similar areas that I’m interested in and personality-wise, I’m attracted to them. And if they were all to step towards me at the same time– the first one I’d go to is simple- John Barrowman aka Captain Jack Harkness from Torchwood. Why? Because he and I have many similar interests, he’s gorgeous, and I’d be begging him to sing to me!

One of the things that often hurts in relationships is when sexy isn’t perceived the same way in a relationship. For instance, I have a friend who’s dating a guy who some would consider above average in looks and is very smart. Anyone who saw my friend would say that she was perhaps average looking and would judge her on her weight issues. Funny thing is, they’re great together and though I know he doesn’t see her weight in some ways– he does judge it against her. I’ve never once heard him call her sexy or say he was attracted to her. But, I hear it out of her mouth often. I know it hurts her that he doesn’t see her in that light. And honestly, it hurts me as well. Why? Because we often talk about how those personality and compatibility areas are the first aspects we look for in sexy- but reality is- physicality wins out time and again. We often talk about being accepted for who and what we are in all areas, but very rarely do you meet someone who truly believes and acts accordingly.

Sexy is a very subjective topic, though there are some characteristics in the physicality that seem to be the most common. Some of these characteristics are: waist-to-hip ratio, baby-faced aspects, large eyes, fairly symmetrical faces, and somewhat average style faces.

So, tell me– what is sexy to you? How do you define it and do you feel you fit the definition that you’ve given it?

Always,

Mistress Cynnara

Physical attributes are the first and foremost aspect people consider when they talk about sexy. You ask any person “What is the first thing you find sexy about a male or female?” the list is invariably physical first. There are some who have it by rote to say “humour” or some such– but it’s just that– rote learning. Physicality is the first thing we as creatures notice– what excites us, what piques our interest, what draws us closer. After that, come what sociologists and anthropologists called the deeper qualities– intellect, humour, etc. In fact, there have been studies that uphold this thought process.

That said, I have to admit, sometimes I hate the physicality aspect and other times, it’s okay. Today, I was walking home from the bus stop, when a car went by with a nice looking male (whom I didn’t know) and he whistled at me. I laughed out loud and waved. It made me feel good inside that regardless that I have a lot of weight to lose, I could trigger a response. (We won’t mention that said guy stopped the car and asked me out. That would be bragging. LOL)

Studies have even shown that beautiful women marry men who are often considered “less” attractive then them- not because of jealousy, but because they want a supportive spouse. Even more interesting is that males have a tendency to overlook their own looks and go towards those women who are considered beautiful or above their own beauty level. Yet, time and again, people will say they look for compatibility, intellect, honesty, humour when talking about what makes a person sexy. Studies have said that those aspects are often paired with the physical when we see people interact with others.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit, I’m prone to the physical attractive thing– Christian Bale, David Bowie, Jonas Armstrong, John Barrowman and the like. Though the physical attracts me, it’s often in combination with a personality trait- intensity of emotions, similar abilities, intellect and more. What’s funny– I can lust for these males, but the idea of having a relationship with them doesn’t necessary equate in my thinking. They’re eye candy- great for the dreaming and the writing of stories, but of that above list– only 2 truly would appeal to me beyond the quick roll in the hay. Why? Because those two appeal to me in similar areas that I’m interested in and personality-wise, I’m attracted to them. And if they were all to step towards me at the same time– the first one I’d go to is simple- John Barrowman aka Captain Jack Harkness from Torchwood. Why? Because he and I have many similar interests, he’s gorgeous, and I’d be begging him to sing to me!

One of the things that often hurts in relationships is when sexy isn’t perceived the same way in a relationship. For instance, I have a friend who’s dating a guy who some would consider above average in looks and is very smart. Anyone who saw my friend would say that she was perhaps average looking and would judge her on her weight issues. Funny thing is, they’re great together and though I know he doesn’t see her weight in some ways– he does judge it against her. I’ve never once heard him call her sexy or say he was attracted to her. But, I hear it out of her mouth often. I know it hurts her that he doesn’t see her in that light. And honestly, it hurts me as well. Why? Because we often talk about how those personality and compatibility areas are the first aspects we look for in sexy- but reality is- physicality wins out time and again. We often talk about being accepted for who and what we are in all areas, but very rarely do you meet someone who truly believes and acts accordingly.

Sexy is a very subjective topic, though there are some characteristics in the physicality that seem to be the most common. Some of these characteristics are: waist-to-hip ratio, baby-faced aspects, large eyes, fairly symmetrical faces, and somewhat average style faces.

So, tell me– what is sexy to you? How do you define it and do you feel you fit the definition that you’ve given it?

Always,

Mistress Cynnara