Mistress Cynnara, my boyfriend wants me to dominate him, but because he’s younger, thinner, etc etc, I find it hard to dominate him like I think he wants. How does one dominate another? — DominewThis is a good question and one that required some thought and planning when discussing. More importantly, it’s not something you can do lightly. Many people want to experience someone else in control, but don’t fully grasp the concept of what it means to be dominated. When they get a taste of it, they can be shaken up and they react badly. First thing to do- discuss what they think it means to be dominated. Ask them what they feel it means to them sexually and otherwise. Once you have an idea of what it means– whether they want to be tied up, bossed around, or just not be in charge of how they have sex with you, then you can take the next step. What is that step? 

Devise a plan. First, it’s not always natural to be the boss. It’s something we learn how to do because we step up into that role. Find that part of you that’s strong, demanding, and desires to have someone serve them. That’s the biggest part of it. Once you discover that part of yourself, then you’re ready to consider how to dominate your partner. Set aside your wants for a moment and focus on your partner’s needs. Why do they want you to dominate them? What does it give them that they don’t normally receive in the day-to-day grind? What does it give you as well? How do you feel in the position of power? Though the submissive is always in control- the one who can halt it, there is a power play involved and you have to have control in how you wield that power. Make a list of the things they want done and how you can put most of them into a scene that benefits you both. 

Gather the necessary items to put your plan into action. This means that you either check your house for those items you already have or you consider going shopping. (I enjoy shopping– especially at Adam and Eve’s website. I just need about $5k and I so could have a complete collection of stuff to use and teach with!) Some items you will want to include- incense, music, rope, large pieces of fabric, a small bowl (to fill with ice, water, chocolate sauce), a cock ring, a small anal vibrator, lube, condoms, nipple clamps, mouth gag, etc. The idea is to have various items that you can use to help create a sensation of being dominated for your lover. Depending on what they want or what kind of fantasy they’ve shared with you, that will also play into what you want to include for the scene. 

Get into the dominant state of mind. This requires you to think tough. Be tough, and more importantly, be aware of your partner. In this mindset, you’re thinking of how to bring them physical pleasure by teasing and taunting of their senses, so they can let go with you. It’s not about hurting them, it’s about preventing them from doing what they want, and releasing themselves into your care. Many people think of being dominated as being tied up and teased sexually. It’s actually the simplest way to bring yourself into that state. Think on what you would do to your lover if they were bound to the bed, your favourite sex music was playing, and only you guided what happened. They couldn’t come without permission, they have to leave everything to you– what would you do? How would you do it? 

With these ideas in mind, think of how you’d like to play out this scenario with your lover. Then go to them and discuss in loose terms on what you plan to do. Do not tell them everything, but talk about some of the things you are considering- see if they find any of it scary or if they want to try it. Establish a safe word- something that’s not easily forgotten and would be an accurate warning to stopping what was happening. Once you get an idea on what they would like and what you have discovered would please you and them, then you’re ready to begin setting the scene. 

Take your time. Don’t rush this. Do it in small segments. Perhaps one time tie up their hands. Add in some teasing– not letting them touch you, not letting them come until you come at least once or twice. Teasing their body with sensations they’ve not associated with sex. Take the time to make sure you state what will happen and what you expect from them. “I’m going to touch you with these fabrics. I want you to tell me if they turn you on or if they make you want to pull away. You are NOT to move while I do this.” 

Make sure you command them to do some things. It includes them in on the arousal process, but it also shows them their place is to serve. This will also emphasize the concept of being submissive and giving into someone who is dominating them. Take your time in this. Work up to various ideas. Just like kinky sex takes time and repetition to build upon, the same goes with domination. It’s not something you jump in and succeed in one shot. It’s about one step at a time to build up into a good, loving Dom/me. 

Until next time, 

Mistress Cynnara 

A submissive is a complex creature, just as a Dominant is. The need to submit and give up control to a trusted person is their goal and their need. The stereotype runs to the gelded male on all fours, naked, and begging for mercy, or the naked female who is collared and serving her Master in any degraded way demanded from him. Again, that’s not reality within the BDSM lifestyle, though some have chosen to live that way.

Though you may see versions of this, again, bear in mind SSC. There are more variations than this extreme. What most people unfamiliar with BDSM don’t realize is that a submissive gives power over themselves to a Dominant, yet they still have the ultimate control. How? If they don’t like something, they say their safe word and everything halts immediately. There is no maybe when it comes to this kind of play. It’s either yes, no, or slowly, I’m not sure.

The variety of submissives is amazing, but you can quantify them to the following:

Sweet Submissive:

Not all submissives are created equal!  The Sweet Submissive is the caregiver of the BDSM community, tending to his or her needs by tending to the needs of their Dominant.  This isn’t a label you’ll find in Scene books though I mention it because just as each author writes differently, each submissive is different.

The Sweet Submissive can be used in writing for most of you because this person is just that, sweet.  Sensual, soft.  Not exactly one begging for my singletail.  S/he more likely would be at home with a light bare bottom spanking like the kind you’ll find in Anne Marie Robert’s stories.

Submissive – Alpha:

The Alpha submissive is a curious role in that from the outset, they appear to be totally dominant.  In control of situations, they tend to respond more often than react but they still defer to someone else much of the time for a purpose. In BDSM, the Alpha submissive would be the one deferred to by other submissives.  The Alpha Submissive would have more power, and possibly (mileage may vary) be able to administer light punishment, when entrusted to or commanded by his top/Domme.

SAMM:  The Smart Assed Masochist

A SAM is a player, often one who does things to irritate and receive punishment.  A SAM is often found in many novels as a humorous character who is just begging for a beating or some form of punishment, yet the smart Dominant knows giving that beating is just what the SAM wants.  In a BDSM sense, a SAM will make comments knowing that punishment will be administered because they want to be punished.  A smart Dominant withholds beating/the punishment desired in favor of something crueler.  For them, the whole thing is about getting what they want and doing whatever it takes to goad the Dominant into giving it to them.

Slave:

The Slave is a hard label to openly define because it often is used interchangeably with submissive.  While the two are similar, a slave is often thought of more in terms of property OR as one who gives complete and utter submission to a Dominant.  A slave often surrenders free will, property, their body and mind to a Dominant in exchange for gratification of servitude.  There is a lot of hype about Slavery (in the BDSM context) online.  There is even a Slave Register that lists D/s couples, a message board and some online resources.

Slaves often thrive on total ownership and TPE: Total Power Exchange.  They have their reasons.  It used to seem odd that someone would give over total control of their existence to someone else, but after a little more thought there was a realization that it could be a beautiful thing in the hands of a trusted partner(s.)  For the purposes of this workshop, remember that a submissive is vastly different than the slave but ultimately both are non dominant.

Notice how their needs and desires reflect how they submit. Yet, I can see questions. How and why do people submit? What does this actually mean?

A person with submissive tendencies wants to be taken care of. They also, in turn, want to take care of someone—but not be in charge of everything. There’s a desire to be guided, told what to do, and to be taken out of the constant mind chatter and the barriers that inhibit them. In fact, it’s this abdication of responsibility, of having someone else in control that they truly need and desire. It’s a way of relieving the day to day stress they experience in the real world that bogs them down and actually prevents them from enjoying life.

Some people need to be treated severely—sissification, medieval style torture, humiliation play to force them to let go of the barriers that make them defensive, remote, and sometimes aggressive. They have this form of dominance in order to find that place within themselves that they feel free and yet protected.

Many people confuse submissiveness with wanting someone else to do for them because they always do for others. True submission is a happiness for guidance, correction, and knowing they have a place where they can serve, and be given what they crave without any fear or guilt. Only when you can reach that point– where you serve because you crave to and because giving and being told feels right, can you truly feel the freeness of submission.

Subspace – The Almighty Mecca

Having a submissive achieve subspace is a pinnacle to reach for. This goes for both Dominant and submissive. Achieving this moment where sensation and emotion merge with a sense of fulfillment takes time, though glimpses happen as you learn about yourself.

Subspace and Domspace are very similar. You feel very aware, very in-tune with emotions, sensations, and there’s this sensation/acceptance. Over-thinking allows barriers to form- barriers that prevent us from allowing love and acceptance in. There’s a loss of believing in our nature. So, by breaking those barriers, we allow ourselves to find love, acceptance and we’re able to let go all the worries away from our inner selves.

Writing about subspace is hard. It’s unique to each individual, though there are common feelings. It’s like describing an orgasm. My sensations aren’t yours, though we may both have commonalities. So we take those aspects and tailor them to our character. Write it towards how you feel when you’re in love and nothing can bother you, and there is nothing but pleasure and happiness before you. Then you’ve got a grip on what a portion of subspace is like.

Now we’ve come to the third group. Some say they don’t exist. Some say they’re confused. Some say they’re vanilla with an occasional swirl