First- our nature is sexual. Our instinct is for safety, pleasure, and reproduction, and not necessarily in that order. Our goals in life are simple- to survive, to grow, to pass on our knowledge and have someone carry on our name and legacy. To not be forgotten. But, that being said, there is more to being a sexual and sensual being. It means a need for intimacy– a need to be close on a physical, sometimes emotional level with another human being. It’s a primal need that shouldn’t be swept away because of belief systems that say otherwise. Unfortunately– belief systems are not always congruous with human physiology and nature; but often work against it– as if denying ourselves what we need to survive is a good thing.

For three years, I denied myself the right to having affection, love, and touching by others. For three years, I told myself I wasn’t worthy…and I believed it. Not because of my weight (though it did play a factor) but because I felt inhuman, unable to cope or be with humanity. But in denying myself the touch of another person– lover, friend, heartmate, soulmate– I denied myself the right to become and rediscover my humanity. I lost the part of me that allowed me to write the stories I do– full of passion, full of life, of showing the consequence of desire and destiny. I denied me the right to be me. How f**king stupid could I be?

What changed? Part of it was losing the weight, slowly and surely. Part of it was recognizing the trueness of needing intimacy as a human. The main thing was realizing that by denying my instinctive needs to be touched and to touch, to indulge in my carnal wishes as well as my emotional desires, I forbade myself to grow as a person. I stopped being human. Instead, I went through withdrawing from family, friends, and more. I became physically ill and, in turn, it made me pull further from all the things that made me happy. I denied a basic need of survival.

Do I believe sexual intercourse is necessary to being intimate? In many cases– HELL YES. But intercourse is not the end all be all of intimacy. It’s the easiest way of giving and receiving pleasure on a level that replenishes the system without being overloaded– unless that’s your particular release mechanism. (No comment from the peanut gallery over there!) By actively receiving pleasure and giving pleasure, you not only give intimacy, you are receiving it in a large, concentrated dose that is only for you.

Now, I’m lucky. I’ve got a few heartmates out there. Heartmates who mean the world to me and I’m very very lucky to have them. They’re the ones I can go and sit with and allow their presence and their attention to feed my need for intimacy. They not only provide the physical hugs, kisses, and caresses that I need in non-sexual times, they’re often the ones who turn their attention on me and just by paying me that big of attention– give me the intimacy of feeling special. (A huge thanks to a special lady and her hubby for being heartmates of mine. Your presence in my life has made such a huge difference in my world!) When you feel special from those whom you consider special to your heart– you feel human and have made an intimate bond. One that is to be treasured.

Now, does this mean I am never intimate with my heartmates? Yeah, riiiight. This means, intimacy on a sexual level isn’t always there for my heartmates and myself. BUT…that said… yeah, I’ve had a sexual relationship with some heartmates and wished like hell I had with others. Why? I’ve always grown and become more of who I’m meant to be when I’ve been able to be completely open with my heartmates. Their love for me and my love for them often times gets expressed in ways that others might find….a bit unusual. Then again–we’ve had that discussion about my sexuality. lol

Do I believe you should only have sexual intimacy after marriage. Uh, no. Those of you of the devout, please form a line at the rear and reread my earlier paragraphs. I believe that you cannot know what you need on an intimate level as well as a heart level unless you know your sexual, mental, and emotional needs and what you can give. How can you give sexually unless you know you’re compatible or incompatible. (Ain’t nothing like finding out you and a buddy are compatible until AFTER you both decide not to date. ARGH!!!) But again, I refer back to human nature and instinct– not to what we teach and train ourselves. The only way I know I will be able to fulfill my soulmate is by learning what pleases others and myself so I can try various things to find the pleasure to give. Just as I expect my soulmate to have done the same thing. (Trust me, I made the major error of being with a virgin when I wasn’t. Ain’t happening again. Nope.)

Intimacy is what you make of it– physical, emotional, spiritual and more. I believe the more you receive from others, the more you give in return. Remember that for all you are– you are only what you give and if you have no idea on how to be intimate– how can you give the gift of intimacy to those whom you love and care for?

Just a thought to consider.

I write romance because I love the sensation of falling in love, I love stories with Happily Ever After, I love the hot sex that makes me want to tell my male “Get in that bedroom now!” But there’s something more. Writing about romance is only part of the equation for me. My romances aren’t strict romances, but are part of a whole. I write action stories for women and men that have romance within the storyline. Why? Because love and romance are part of our daily lives. Whether we like it or not– it’s there. We either deal with a lack of love or needing it or having it and taking it for granted.

I write romance because it lets me have the best of many worlds. I can write sci-fi, fantasy, urban fantasy, or more and keep the romantic elements in play to help complete the story and to ratchet up the tension. Anyone who’s read the original Dragonlance Chronicles knows the romance stories that were not a huge part of the plot but happened to enhance the telling of the stories.

Currently, I’m writing something dealing more in the sexual fantasy realm. I’m actually stepping into the realm of BDSM and though I’m slightly nervous of showing this side of myself and my personal knowledge, in another way, I’m thrilled to finally let go and not hold back. It’s hard because sex and romance do go hand in hand, though many people don’t want to hear that. For me, kinky sex is more fun to read and to experience because it allows me freedom I don’t get in my daily life. (We all can’t be Indiana Jones or Lara Croft! Dammit.)

So stay tuned. I’ll be putting out my newsletter this month with a special interview with Lena Austin, one of my favourite erotic romance authors. But be prepared- I’m going to be posting more about sexuality, craft of writing, and more. Just when I thought I was going to be normal– I upped the ante on sharing what I know.