Mistress Cynnara- What is a fetish? Do you have to have one to be kinky or sexy? — Fetishist in the Making, I think What is a fetish? According to the dictionary:

fetish (plural fetishes)

1. Something nonsexual, such as an object or a part of the body which arouses sexual desire or is necessary for one to reach full sexual satisfaction.
2. Something which is believed to possess, contain, or cause spiritual or magical powers; an amulet or a talisman.
3. An irrational, or abnormal, fixation or preoccupation.

What does that mean? Well, when most people discuss fetishes, they mean the first definition. It means that you need to see, think about or speaking about some object in order to feel sexual gratification. How can this be broken down simply? If you have a fetish about shoes, you must be wearing them, seeing them, thinking about them in order to have sexual release. If you like shoes, but don’t have to have them to enjoy sexual relations– you don’t have a fetish. 

Does having a fetish means you’re kinky or sexy? Yes and no. There are some fetishes that are even beyond my scope of imagining. You can be kinky and sexy and not have a fetish. It’s not that interchangable, though many people use the words in that manner. I’m very kinky and sexy, but I’m not a fetishist. I like too many things to just focus on one thing. Kinky means simply that you like unconventional and fun sexual things- BDSM, fetishes, etc. Kinky is many things, but not to the point of being only one item. I enjoy my kinkiness and so does my male. 

Being sexy is a state of mind, it doesn’t require anything else. You’re sexy because you feel good, you feel wanted and desired, and that’s all there is to it. Do fetishists think they’re sexy– darn tooting they do. Kinky people are sexy because they revel in their sexuality and in who they are. Sexy is as sexy does and don’t think you’re not sexy! Everyone is sexy, they just need to believe they are! 

Can you become a fetishist? Yes, and it can be at anytime in your life. A friend of mine just recently confided in me that he had to have the woman he was with wearing thigh high stockings on when they had sex. Without it, he found it difficult to orgasm unless he fantasized she was wearing them. This man is 42 years old and is now a fetishist. He’s begun a collection of stockings for his lover, so he can have her looking seductive and playing to his fetish. I’ve met his girl friend, and let me tell you– she looks damn good in those thigh highs. So both of them get a lot out of it. 

Hopefully this answers your question on fetish, kinky, and sexy and how they fit in daily life. Remember everyone is sexy, many are kinky, and few are fetishists. We can be many of those or just one. What counts is that you’re happy, healthy, and doing good in the world for yourself and others. 

Until next time, 

Mistress Cynnara 

So, how can you initiate some quickies in your life? There are many ways, but the simplest is to break the idea down to the base core. It’s about the sex. It’s about pleasuring each other in a frantic, needful state. Sometimes, we women need to have those quickies too. We might take time to warm up, but if you come at us with this look in your eye, a smile on your lips and you whisper, “You’re so damn hot and I have to fuck you silly!” I doubt any of us would say no. 

Preparation does play a role. You have to make sure you have a good 10-20 minutes to spare uninterrupted. Cover all your bases- know when the kids get home or when people are due to arrive. Know when you have to leave for your appointment. Then set the stage. With me, I didn’t get a chance to really think beyond the fact he asked me if I trusted him. I knew something was up, but not what. But it got my juices flowing, my curiousity aroused and my heart involved- because he asked me something that’s important to me- trust. If you know what your lover’s turn on phrases, the ones that kick up the emotion and sets the sexual seduction- then you have to be able to play them to the hilt, backing words up with action. 

What if you both want to set up the quickie? Now this is where it gets fun. If you don’t work together (my male and I work at the same company), then it can be fun. You can text each other or make calls on your breaks. Leave vague, sexual comments to each other. “I’m imagining taking you from behind with you bent over the living room chair.” or “You, me, and the bathroom. I’m thinking quickie 101.” These notes throughout the day set the stage of what you want and will serve as an appetizer for the brain. By the time you both get home, you’ll be more than ready for some serious sex! 

Sometimes, you have to take the reluctant bull or mare by the horns and do what I call “the sliding seduction.” This is less quick but it is effective. You drop hints while you’re both doing your nightly thing- chores, tv, etc. Then you go into the bedroom and set up the room- candles, music, etc- whatever you know will set the stage immediately for the person. Then call them into the bedroom. “Honey, do you know where I put my…?” When they come in, they’re looking at this romantic setting and you’re there waiting for them. It throws them into a place where their bodies are instinctively responding while their minds are trying to decide to go with it or not. But because you’ve slid this into place- they not only feel obligated to go with you into it, it takes the burden from them to come up with anything sexually. You literally slide from shock to gratefulness into sexual awareness. 

Quickies aren’t always quick. Sometimes you plan for Wham, Bam, Thank you Ma’am and end up with more than one session of lovemaking over a period of a couple of hours. There’s nothing wrong with that. What quickies do is release tension, provide a quick sexual release, and also spice up the relationship with something that doesn’t always go with the normal sex routine. So give it a shot- plan and carry out your quickie plan sometime soon! 

Until next time, 

Mistress Cynnara

Fantasies are just that– something you wish could happen, even if it’s implausible. But more importantly than that– it’s something that you can make happen in some form, if you take the time to think and plan beforehand. I told him that for me, it was the idea that he gave me as much as he could of my fantasy, because the truth is, reality is better than fantasy– because you can see it, feel it, and be one with it. 

So, last night, he did that for me- not just once but twice. The second time blew my mind away because it was my fantasy completely brought to life with some extra flourishes I never considered. It was a perfect moment with him and it made me very happy. 

 How can you bring about your lover’s fantasy? There are some ways to do it. In fact, you might fun in anticipating how you can do either all of the fantasy or the main components. 

1. Break down the fantasy into the beginning, middle, and end pieces. This will help you to see what heightens the reactions of your lover and what specific items you need to include. 
2. See if you have the necessary toys, lotions, music, lights, etc on hand. If you do, it’ll be easier to invoke the mood. If you don’t, see what you can use as a substitute so you don’t have to spend much money at all. 
3. Figure what you’re capable of doing to bring that fantasy to life. This is a big part of it. If it means that you need to pretend to be someone else, ask yourself if you can do that for your lover. If it means that you need to be a bit more agile, but aren’t– what can you do to modify that technique into something you can handle without pulling a muscle? 
4. What do you like about the fantasy? If you like the fantasy, then you’ll enjoy it more yourself by giving this fantasy to your lover. If you don’t, think about the aspects you like and play them up. 
5. Take the time to do the fantasy right- send your lover a note, explaining that tonight is the night you bring one of their fantasies alive for them. Set just a bit of the scene, if it requires role playing for them as well as you. Make sure you have their clothes laid out in another room, allowing them to bathe and pamper themselves to make the night fantastic. 
6. If you have kids– send them away for the night. Trust me, it’ll be for the best! 

These are some simple things you can do to bring a fantasy to life. I enjoy fulfilling my male’s fantasies. Why? Because it gives me a chance to show my love for him and to also bring him some extra joy knowing that he has someone who is wiling to gift him a fantasy to life. Having him do the same for me is precious and I cherish yesterday. 

Until next time, 

Mistress Cynnara

We’re not all model beautiful nor actor perfect as we see on TV or movies. But how can the average Jane and John feel sexy both in and out of the bedroom? 

I’m going to admit, I don’t have all the answers for this one. In fact, it’s something I struggle with myself- on a regular basis. But it’s something I take seriously. Being sexy, being content with ones self is so important, it’s worth doing and redoing until you’re feeling fantastic. Too often we see things advertised to help us lose more weight, cover the gray, diminish wrinkles, hide the fat under clothes and more. Though these things help us in a physical manner to make us look sexy to others, it doesn’t change one important factor– how YOU feel. 

Think on that for a moment. What makes you feel sexy? Is it the way a person’s gaze lingers on your body or face? Is it the way your lover touches you, reassuring that you’re wanted and loved? Is it when you feel good about yourself and that you know you present a picture of health and happiness to the world? Sexy means different things to different people. But there are a few things that seem to be in common. 

We all feel sexier when someone notices us in an approving fashion. From someone who smiles at us because we’re dressed in an eye-catching, yet subtle manner to the person who can’t take their eyes from how good you look that one evening. Having someone who shows active interest to our physical aspects will always make us sit straighter, push those shoulders back, tilt our head up a bit more and walk with a slightly more suggestive tone to it. When you feel attractive- you’ll act more attractive. Funny, but true. 

My lover gets on my case a lot because I ask him if he thinks I’m pretty. He doesn’t understand that occasionally I need that physical reaffirmation that I’m sexy to him. He’s an alpha male and though he’s not model gorgeous, he’s got those rugged looks that make a woman take notice. (Have I mentioned his physique is construction worker-esque?) He’s also got a healthy sense of self worth, something I do lack a bit. Though I don’t need to have him tell me, his telling me that I’m pretty or that I look particularly sexy at a certain time helps reinforce my own private opinion of myself at that day. It gives me that extra boost of confidence and sexiness I might need because mentally I’m having a “am I sexy or not” day. 

While I was watching Gok help this woman to feel sexy and more self assured, I realized it was pertinent not only to women, but to men. I will admit, I would NOT turn down some time with Gok- because that man would be good for my soul- not to mention my fashion sense. (I have some, but I so need help!) As I watched last night where he helped this woman who has a normal, curvy body to feel good about herself, I even felt myself feeling good that I have curves. Even though I have a lot of weight to lose, for the first time in weeks, I felt– sexy again. And that made me think- why? 

Like most people, I don’t have much time to do the things I want or need to do. I pay bills, I work full-time, and I also write and edit at other times. For the past 3 weeks I’ve also been recovering from a simple out-patient procedure that emotionally and mentally changed how I viewed myself. I hadn’t thought it would, but it did. Yet, watching Gok talk and touch and do his magic, I felt a shift in my own viewpoint. 

That’s what most of us need- a shift in our viewpoint. Not to mention a personal beauty assistant who can help us with wardrobe issues. What I’m encouraging for you to do right now is pull out a mirror. Full length is best, but even a hand mirror will do right now. Look at yourself. Really gaze into your own eyes, study your face thoroughly. As you do this, look for what you find attractive. Honestly, here- no false sense of “I’m the best thing ever!” is necessary. Just find those aspects you’d find attractive and sexy on someone else…but on your face. Once you do that, think on how you can highlight those aspects. Both men and women can do more to care for their skin, to reduce wrinkles, and to make their faces look younger and more in touch with their sexuality. 

The one thing I noticed for myself- I need a hair cut. My hair is long, in fact, it’s taking on a shape I like, but it needs to be refined a bit to really be fabulous. So, I’m going to get it cut, shaped and highlights to be put in it. What does that mean for me? It’ll give me a confidence boost and make me feel sexy. My hair is one of my best features- and it’s something that is easy to take care of so I can always feel sexy when I want to seduce or just want to have a great day. 

For men and women, using makeup– and yes, men- some makeup can help make you feel more confident as well, can bring about that change. Over the years, I’ve refined my use of makeup. I use the bare minimum of foundation and eye liner if I’m going to the day job, to using more when going out. When I take the time to do that little bit, it boosts how I see myself and how I know others perceive me- thus letting me feel good. Take a chance- see what colours and what tips you can learn from professionals. See if there isn’t some new colour or technique that helps you feel a bit more sexy out there. 

Continuing with the mirror– really look at your trunk area. From the shoulders and arms to your belly, really take a look at yourself. Do you have anything to feel good about? If so, think on how to showcase that aspect. One thing that Gok pointed out and the more I thought on it, the more I agreed- we don’t have to be perfectly thin or in shape, but we do need to love our body regardless of our fitness and see the positive shapes of being curvaceous and strong. For men, this means feeling great that you have broad shoulders, good pec muscles– even if you feel you can stand to lose weight. In my male, he’s got what I consider the perfect chest. Seriously, I love and adore his chest. To him, he can stand to lose some of the fat on it, firm up the muscles. Which will only make his chest even more sexy to me- but at this moment, I find his chest to be damn sexy. So what about you is sexy to your lover? What do you think people notice and are drawn to in this area? Make note of that and how to dress up to that good area. 

Now the belly– I dread my belly. I have to lose my belly- not completely, because well genetics and I are too intertwined, but a good portion of this fat must go. But I’ll never be slender. I’m built too much like a football player in the shoulders and too peasant-ish otherwise to be dainty and princess-waif like. However, even when I lose the weight, my belly will be curved from being a mother, from hating crunches with a passion, from the fact I hate working out and I love food. That said, I find a woman with a curved belly to be very sexy. Why? Because there are muscles there, there is a softness you can lay your head on and feel both aroused and comforted. There’s something so feminine about a rounded belly that just begs to be touched and worshipped. 

For men, trust me, though it might look nice to have those sculpted abs of steel– I might not be tempted to lay my head there. Nope. Too hard. Give me a man who has some definition to his stomach area, but not overdeveloped anytime. Don’t get me wrong, I drool nicely over well-defined male abs and those sexy hips– but when it comes to loving and sexy– I’ll take a man with a bit of flesh on those areas- means no pain when he’s plunging his cock deep inside my body. 

Since I strayed into the hip area, think on yours. Then look at it. Are you being unreasonable when you think your hips are fat? Do you have a lovely walk that shifts those hips and gets attention that you fail to notice? Hips should be noticed, they should sway when you walk, and if you’re a female, they should be rounded. How else can a lover grip you tightly as he brings you both pleasure? 

Men- your hips will always be narrower than women. We both love you and curse you for it. But learn to love your hips. Learn to see what we do- that those hips set the stage for a nice ass. Most women love male asses. Chest and shoulders rock when you want to be romantic, but if we’re honest, a nice ass just makes you want to grip it, bite it, and hold on to it when your cock is working our bodies. Showcase those hips by wearing clothes that emphasize the good aspects and helps bring the attention to a great ass if you have one. 

As you can see, by taking the time to look at each body area– and yes, I’ve stopping from going all the way from thighs (mine need help) to feet, you assess the good and the bad. Then find out how to emphasize the good. And you work on the bad. Whether it means working out more– which I’m doing now, slowly but surely, or you learn what it means to have clothing style (still learning…I drove my mother insane when I tried shopping for clothes when I was young). By accenting the positive and deemphasizing the negative, you’ll feel more sexy– and that translates into others finding you more sexy. 

Sexy is honestly, a state of mind that’s easily influenced by sight. But when you feel good, feel that you’re dressed well, and you come to terms with the good and bad of your body- you can move forward into what I’m calling the Zen of Sexy. Sexy is defined personally by our needs and desires. And to be sexy, we have to think sexy. And when I dress for work, I know I look good, ready to do my job. But do I believe it? That’s the part I need to work on. Believing the hype I’m putting out there. Seeing myself as others see me. 

See yourself as sexy. Try it for a week. Each day, dress to emphasize one good area of your body. Whether it’s for work or for your lover. Take the time to go through your clothes and see what makes you feel sexy…and see how those around you respond. Make note of it. Then see what other items you own fall into that style category…and remember- everyone is sexy- it’s how we bring it out to others that makes people say… “That person is damned sexy!” 

Until next time, keep safe, love hard, and love yourself. 

Mistress Cynnara

Scene is a term used to describe a preplanned event such as role-play, experimenting with toys, even just a regular session. Scene can also be used at times to describe a special event at a club, private home, etc.

One particular ‘scene’ isn’t really—it’s a munch. This is where people who are curious meet at a neural place with those who are in the scene to find out more. Normally it’s at a local restaurant so people can relax and eat as they learn more. If you’ve never been to one, I highly recommend it. Why? Here you can ask questions, get to know more about the lifestyle and the various offerings in your area. It makes sense to talk to people who live what you’re writing about. It gives you a realism that would otherwise be lacking.

Scenes between Dom/me and sub can be done in private, or if both parties agree, in public. Usually public scenes have extra rules regarding what can and cannot be done—depending on local laws. Always check the laws in the area you set your book. Even if you make up the town, check the state laws. It’s one of those things that might actually enhance the story, especially if they get caught.

What goes into a scene? Almost anything really. For many, it’s a chance to role-play allowing both people to step outside themselves. That where the costuming comes into play. Most times role-play preparation is done by the Dom, who does consult the sub regarding fantasies, fear, etc. Otherwise it could be spur of the moment, grabbing on something a sub said/did, or didn’t do.

Toys are oft used in scenes. From floggers to strap-ons to St. Andrew’s crosses, various items are used to enhance the sensations and to provoke emotional/physical reactions.

Let me once again bring up about limit lists. Limit lists sound boring. They are lists of likes, dislikes, and maybes. For your characters, this list will make your life easier. Why? Each time you’re choosing different likes, dislikes, and maybes, so there‘s no repeating. Another thing about the lists, it helps guide the Dom on how to balance the likes with the maybes to provoke the emotional responses desired.

But there’s another point to remember when it comes to Limit lists. That there are things that are not wanted– ever. Respect comes into play here. A Dominant will talk out some of the negative items on the list and find out if they’re firm or if they’re soft in their never wanting to do something. Why? Sometimes these are fears– and with the use of aversion therapy, you can help someone learn to get over a fear. Some are deeply ingrained within the essence of a person– and those limits must be respected.

If you have a submissive who can’t handle being blindfolded because their eyes were covered when they were abused– then you can’t just expect the submissive to take that when the Dominant does it. It doesn’t work that way. Doesn’t matter the level of trust– this is an ingrained fear that is justifiable. A Dominant would take another tact to help bring about a comfort level with the submissive to approach this. They might have the submissive close his eyes and keep them closed. They might turn off all the lights but one, set behind the submissive to make it harder for the submissive to see. But at all times, the submissive’s fears are ALWAYS taken in consideration!

What goes into a scene- depends on the needs and desires of both parties. Yes, you can come up with something on the fly, but when you can have proper preparation– it’s wondrous to see how events play out. For me, it’s picking the music, the items to be used in the scene, and putting together the basic scenario for my submissive. This gets me worked up and I’ll mentally run through all possible variations and what I need to watch for.

Think of your favourite sexual fantasy– then think on how you can make it into reality. What would you need? What isn’t humanly possible? What would it take for you to get in order to make it workable for your needs? Discuss it with your lover and plan it out. Then you plan out your lover’s fantasy next. By doing these things– you’ll learn the basics of scening in the BDSM world.

A submissive is a complex creature, just as a Dominant is. The need to submit and give up control to a trusted person is their goal and their need. The stereotype runs to the gelded male on all fours, naked, and begging for mercy, or the naked female who is collared and serving her Master in any degraded way demanded from him. Again, that’s not reality within the BDSM lifestyle, though some have chosen to live that way.

Though you may see versions of this, again, bear in mind SSC. There are more variations than this extreme. What most people unfamiliar with BDSM don’t realize is that a submissive gives power over themselves to a Dominant, yet they still have the ultimate control. How? If they don’t like something, they say their safe word and everything halts immediately. There is no maybe when it comes to this kind of play. It’s either yes, no, or slowly, I’m not sure.

The variety of submissives is amazing, but you can quantify them to the following:

Sweet Submissive:

Not all submissives are created equal!  The Sweet Submissive is the caregiver of the BDSM community, tending to his or her needs by tending to the needs of their Dominant.  This isn’t a label you’ll find in Scene books though I mention it because just as each author writes differently, each submissive is different.

The Sweet Submissive can be used in writing for most of you because this person is just that, sweet.  Sensual, soft.  Not exactly one begging for my singletail.  S/he more likely would be at home with a light bare bottom spanking like the kind you’ll find in Anne Marie Robert’s stories.

Submissive – Alpha:

The Alpha submissive is a curious role in that from the outset, they appear to be totally dominant.  In control of situations, they tend to respond more often than react but they still defer to someone else much of the time for a purpose. In BDSM, the Alpha submissive would be the one deferred to by other submissives.  The Alpha Submissive would have more power, and possibly (mileage may vary) be able to administer light punishment, when entrusted to or commanded by his top/Domme.

SAMM:  The Smart Assed Masochist

A SAM is a player, often one who does things to irritate and receive punishment.  A SAM is often found in many novels as a humorous character who is just begging for a beating or some form of punishment, yet the smart Dominant knows giving that beating is just what the SAM wants.  In a BDSM sense, a SAM will make comments knowing that punishment will be administered because they want to be punished.  A smart Dominant withholds beating/the punishment desired in favor of something crueler.  For them, the whole thing is about getting what they want and doing whatever it takes to goad the Dominant into giving it to them.

Slave:

The Slave is a hard label to openly define because it often is used interchangeably with submissive.  While the two are similar, a slave is often thought of more in terms of property OR as one who gives complete and utter submission to a Dominant.  A slave often surrenders free will, property, their body and mind to a Dominant in exchange for gratification of servitude.  There is a lot of hype about Slavery (in the BDSM context) online.  There is even a Slave Register that lists D/s couples, a message board and some online resources.

Slaves often thrive on total ownership and TPE: Total Power Exchange.  They have their reasons.  It used to seem odd that someone would give over total control of their existence to someone else, but after a little more thought there was a realization that it could be a beautiful thing in the hands of a trusted partner(s.)  For the purposes of this workshop, remember that a submissive is vastly different than the slave but ultimately both are non dominant.

Notice how their needs and desires reflect how they submit. Yet, I can see questions. How and why do people submit? What does this actually mean?

A person with submissive tendencies wants to be taken care of. They also, in turn, want to take care of someone—but not be in charge of everything. There’s a desire to be guided, told what to do, and to be taken out of the constant mind chatter and the barriers that inhibit them. In fact, it’s this abdication of responsibility, of having someone else in control that they truly need and desire. It’s a way of relieving the day to day stress they experience in the real world that bogs them down and actually prevents them from enjoying life.

Some people need to be treated severely—sissification, medieval style torture, humiliation play to force them to let go of the barriers that make them defensive, remote, and sometimes aggressive. They have this form of dominance in order to find that place within themselves that they feel free and yet protected.

Many people confuse submissiveness with wanting someone else to do for them because they always do for others. True submission is a happiness for guidance, correction, and knowing they have a place where they can serve, and be given what they crave without any fear or guilt. Only when you can reach that point– where you serve because you crave to and because giving and being told feels right, can you truly feel the freeness of submission.

Subspace – The Almighty Mecca

Having a submissive achieve subspace is a pinnacle to reach for. This goes for both Dominant and submissive. Achieving this moment where sensation and emotion merge with a sense of fulfillment takes time, though glimpses happen as you learn about yourself.

Subspace and Domspace are very similar. You feel very aware, very in-tune with emotions, sensations, and there’s this sensation/acceptance. Over-thinking allows barriers to form- barriers that prevent us from allowing love and acceptance in. There’s a loss of believing in our nature. So, by breaking those barriers, we allow ourselves to find love, acceptance and we’re able to let go all the worries away from our inner selves.

Writing about subspace is hard. It’s unique to each individual, though there are common feelings. It’s like describing an orgasm. My sensations aren’t yours, though we may both have commonalities. So we take those aspects and tailor them to our character. Write it towards how you feel when you’re in love and nothing can bother you, and there is nothing but pleasure and happiness before you. Then you’ve got a grip on what a portion of subspace is like.

Now we’ve come to the third group. Some say they don’t exist. Some say they’re confused. Some say they’re vanilla with an occasional swirl

Let’s introduce the Dominant first. The stereotype is either a leather catsuit-clad woman in five inch heeled boots with whip in hand, or the male in leather pants, no shirt, though he may have harness strap-ons, and sometimes wears a mask. Sound familiar at all? According to stereotype, they’re all about control, causing pain, subjugating their submissive until they’re nothing more than pets, right?

Not quite.  Not even close in most circumstances. I won’t say there isn’t something to the outfit, but the reasoning—not even close to being correct.

First, let’s talk about what a Dominant is. A male Dominant is referred to as a Dom. With females, they may be called Domme, or Domina. A professional female is usually termed Dominatrix. The male is still called Dom. Dominants are the ones who protect, challenge, correct, and reward their submissives. Normally they choose the scene, role play, setting, toys to be used in a session, and are responsible for taking all precautions for safety. Dom/mes use a variety of means to help a sub reach a state where only the sensations and emotions exist. There is no thought, there is nothing but feeling. This state of being is called subspace. More on that later.

How they bring a submissive to that state varies on the type of Dom/me they are. Not only are there variations in BDSM generally, even the players come in various forms.

Alpha Dominant- In BDSM, the Mighty Alpha Dominant is trusted implicitly by his or her sub(s) for more than just a good time.  They are entrusted with fulfillment.  When questioned, they respond with whatever answer is appropriate while challenging their submissive(s) to think and better themselves.

The Mighty Alpha Dominant responds rather than reacting (the negative attribute) to situations. S/He is prepared for the worst, celebrates the best and rides things out with a large amount of cool and control.  For them, they want to take care of someone, to fix what’s broken and to help a submissive reach subspace and gain personal acceptance.

Though Alpha Dominants are likely to use physicality to emphasize points, it’s not the end all-be-all of their universe. For them, physical assistance, via toys, furniture and the like help get a submissive into a specific frame of mind. But alpha dominants also know that psychology plays a big factor in how they approach a submissive.

Soft Dom/me– She might be into pain, but probably not.  The Sensual or Soft Dominant is just that, a sensual woman or man capable of administering pain (we all are) but preferring to control through other means. She may prefer toys of a lighter nature as her focus is not on the pain but the pleasure. Make no mistake, the goal is still to help a submissive reach subspace and in turn reach Domspace, but more importantly, they choose a different means to bring a submissive to that point.

Most soft Dominants I know, believe in breaking the mind, for the body will follow. What does this mean for the submissive? They are given lessons, rewards and punishments. Within these means, they’re put on what I call sensory overload—until they can only feel and respond without thinking to anything put to them. Alpha Dominants also use this approach, though they don’t exclusively rely upon it.

Notice each has a particular way or style in dealing with submissives. Not all use whips and chains, nor do they take the same approach in what’s called ‘breaking down’ a submissive. They are as unique as each one of us. It’s important to remember that each of us is skilled in different areas. Though some are trained in multiple things, there are some preferential skills over others.

Most Dom/mes have some training with another Dom/me to learn the appropriate techniques and equipment. In many cases Dom/mes must spend time as a submissive to remind them of what a submissive receives. This is something I will stress time and again; if your characters are in the BDSM scene, then this aspect will always be in the Dom/me’s mind. It’s a reminder that they hold power given to them freely and it should not be abused.

When you’re learning about BDSM, one thing people will ask you is if you’ve filled out a Limit List. Where can you find a Limits List? You can find one: http://www.thebrc.net/check_list/check_list1.php?Submit=Continue  Why is it important? Because whether you are a Dominant or a submissive or a switch, it’s important to know your own sexual limits, your own pain limits and what you’re interested in. This allows you to know what kind of person you’re looking for as well. It helps take the uncertainty of meeting someone when you can sit and talk about your limits and desires in a healthy, responsible manner.

Why do Dom/mes dominate? Do they have to call all the shots? What is it about their makeup that places them in this Alpha position?

So mentioned earlier, Dominants are the leaders, the guides, the ones who push to go further, and who comfort when its time. Domination deals with control of another person—helping them physically, emotionally, and in a sexual manner. Most Dominants I know like being given control. It pleases them that this person has placed their trust in them. They know the sub can use the safe words at any time—but that they are the ones who create an environment that allows both Dom/me and sub to enjoy the sensations and freedom from the everyday things.

Dom/mes need control. To lose it is unthinkable. To abuse it is just as bad. Control is a fine line between pushing for change and acceptance. They also need to feel taken care of as well. Though they are more of the caretaker, they expect the submissive to meet certain things which enhance their time together.

Example:

Sarah is a Dominant. She enjoys bondage, caning and some mummification play. What she needs is a submissive who enjoys those things and needs her to give them.

In walks Mike. He’s a submissive who likes being restrained while his Mistress teases him sexually and verbally. He’s not sure about caning, but likes being spanked. They negotiate on the type of humiliation play, so its limited to the teasing you’d experience when you were young.

What can Mike give to Sarah? His obedience to her commands, all of them. Treating her with respect and awe for what she does to teach him and care for him. Mike notices Sarah seems upset and tense one night, so he approaches her, his eyes downcast as he places his hands on her shoulders. Before she speaks, his hands knead the knots as he says, “Forgive me, Mistress, but you looked like you needed this. I want you to be as relaxed, as comfortable as possible.”

He’s taken care of her and is supporting without stepping on her power. Depending on Sarah’s disposition, she’ll either reward the sub’s behavior, punish for breaking the rules, or both. How does this act of affection make Sarah feel?

Safe, cared for, and strong. He’s not tries to fix anything—just offer support and a massage to release tension. One of her base needs—to care for and be cared for—is being met in a way that makes her happy.

I won’t lie that there are a portion of Dominant women who are that way due to their past: abuse, neglect, rape, etc. They don’t ever want to be without control and  be weak. Yet many realize that there’s something profoundly comforting in having someone pamper and pleasure you, just because.

Many people will begin asking about the use of various toys and punishment, and say it’s how Dominants get off and subs are trained to take it because the Dominant chooses it. Again, different Dom/mes use different items to teach and train a sub. However, the goal is not to subjugate, but to break down the walls that prevent the submissive from being ‘in the moment’.

Some Dom/mes and subs like pain. They might go into knife play, whips, floggers, and other toys in order to use repetitive low-level discomfort to circumvent the brain, encouraging endorphin release. Others use words, seduction, with an occasional toy used to emphasize or encourage correct behavior.

Dominants like to guide, control and be looked up to. The reasons are varied as to why, but keep in mind that in the private arena of relationships and sexuality, they are leaders. It doesn’t matter that they might be a scatterbrained geek who couldn’t tell anyone off at work, once they’ve crossed the threshold, their words and actions rule.

Now that we’ve covered the Dominants, let’s delve into the world of submission.

BDSM is a hot topic right now in many areas- from television, books, and more. Why? Because people are realizing that kink and the deeper ingrained needs aren’t just the usual missionary or woman superior sex anymore. What’s more important, great strides have been made, including the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) have declared that BDSM activities are part of normal life, as long as they, like most things, are not taken in the extreme.

That said, over the next few weeks, we’re going to talk about BDSM, the players, scening, toys and more. If you have any questions, feel free to post them here or email me at cynnara AT cynnara DOT com. The idea over the next few weeks is to introduce you into an ancient lifestyle that not only satisfies many sexual needs, but also emotional ones as well. So, let’s start from the beginning.

BDSM stands for:
Bondage – slavery
Dominant– rule, control, be the most powerful or influential member or part of something
Submission – surrender, defer, meek, obedient
Sadism – a form of (sexual) perversion marked by love of inflicting pain
Masochism – abnormal condition where pleasure (esp. sexual) is derived from pain humiliation, etc.

The three major players are:
Dominant – The ‘Alpha’, the leader, the guide.
Submissive – The ‘Beta’, the follower, the guided.
Switch – The ‘Omega’, the second in command type, gives, takes, can lead but also follow.

Learning to see a person within their role can be hard, but many a top executive who controls millions by day, will walk through the doorway of their bedroom, or playroom, and will shift into an obedient submissive who leaves it to her Dominant to make all the decisions. Or you can take a woman that teaches school, takes care of her family, but when she walks through that doorway, she calls the shots, she will be obeyed and worshipped and given her due.
Yes, these sound stereotypical, we’ve been given those images, but what we need to ask is: what would make a person change 180 degrees from how everyone sees them, behind closed doors? What motivates them to want to be told what to do, to be bossed around, to spank another, to drop hot wax on another? What emotional fulfillment do these actions give them emotionally, mentally, and sexually?
Before we get into each type in-depth, there is something that needs to be clarified. There are people who live the BDSM both day and night.
There are those who have some BDSM in their ‘real time’ relationship outside of the bedroom. The come those who only play when they can, but wouldn’t bring it into their ‘other life’. Beyond that, you have the players – the ones who’ve read just enough to pass initial scrutiny, but have no clue beyond their thought on how BDSM is. Lifestylers – the first two mentioned are the ones we don’t often read about unless it’s some kind of scandal.

That’s all for this week. Next week, we’ll dive into the world of the Dominant. If you’re a Dominant within the BDSM lifestyle, I’d be honoured to have you participate and join in, sharing your knowledge and the lessons you’ve learned.

Until next time- dream hot, loved and be loved, and keep safe.

Always,

Mistress Cynnara

Though I’ve not covered about BDSM, I do teach a workshop helping writers learn more about the basics of BDSM and all its components. One of those happens to be scening- where you act out a role play, use toys, and even furniture to create a mood and mindset within the person you’re involved with. So, what are some of the most popular pieces of furniture and how can they be used in less intense play?

One of the most popular pieces of equipment help you when you’re having sex. I call them wedges and slings, others call them by other names. Wedges incline parts of the body to allow full penetration and to also ease the burden of holding a position for any length of time. Slings do the same, but using straps attached to the headboard or under the mattress to provide the stability. In this category, I also place restraints. Restraints are for bondage play, creating the fantasy of being tied up and other fun activities.

I recommend these furniture pieces for those interested in BDSM and those who want to help ease pressure or perhaps have medical issues that would benefit from using these items. They’re fairly self-explanatory in how they work and how to best use them.

The next category is that of cages. Cages are fun to use when role playing. They can be very expensive, though some people come across them at fairly decent prices or learn to adapt smaller versions into larger versions with some creativity. Cages are used for discipline and in some cases, used to create an environment of a sex slave. (I can highly recommend this particular play practice when someone is NOT claustrophobic.)

Next on my list are crosses. Crosses can be box style, two sided or the standard St. Andrews style. They’re great for binding someone and yet having them free enough to be able to paddle them or tease them with other sensory objects. I have to admit, I like the idea of a two-sided cross for the versatility inherent in the design. It allows you to have them pressed against the base or between the two sides, thus creating an intriguing area to strap parts of the body. For those who might not have the money for the cross, you can always use restraints on a door to help create the same effect. One of my best friend’s recommends a whipping post also for some fun play as well.

The next set of furniture on my list are horses. No, I don’t mean an equine, I mean those pieces of equipment similar in design to a vaulting horse you see in gymnastics. They’re used to bend people over or backwards and to restrain them so they’re at the perfect angle to pleasure or to tease sexually. An item similar to the horses, but can be used in conjunction with other items is the spreader bar. Whether you are a novice at restraint play or an expert, a good spreader bar can be used to not only restrain arms or legs, but have it portable and hideable (important if you have kidlets).

Along the same lines of the horses are the stepping stools. These are like the kind you buy at any store, with padding as well as being longer and wider to accomodate kneeling or sitting. This allows comfort for the person who is kneeling on it or bending over it, providing support and an area to restrain them.

Toys like this can be acquired by reputable makers such as: Adam and Eve, Extreme Restraints, Toys 4 Lust, the Stockroom, and Sonny Black Dungeon Furniture. You can even learn to make your own toys and furniture if you have the desire and the basic skills. Spend some time at these sites, think about how you can use them and how to incorporate them into some fun for you and your loved one.

Until next week!

Always,

Mistress Cynnara

Mistress Cynnara- I love sex, enjoy sex, but my boyfriend has suggested that we bring some toys into our sex life to spice things up a bit. Though I think the idea could be fun, I’m not sure what are the best toys to start with, though I do own my own vibrator. —  Toyless in Tacoma 

When I read this question, I got excited. I mean excited to the point I brought out my favourite sex toy catalogs and decided to go toy shopping myself. Sex toys are fantastic to bring into a relationship where you have trust. More importantly, toys can help you fall over that edge from just great sex to “OMFG” sex. Now, there are toys for her, toys for him and couple toys out there. And though I advocate many places to shop for toys- once you find a place you really like and trust- patronage them regularly. You’ll get good deals and more importantly, you’ll find that you can depend on the quality. So, let’s begin at the beginning.

Every woman needs a vibrator. I didn’t use to think so until I actually used my first one I bought for myself. Believe it or not, I had owned one for years and years and used it on my lover, but not on me. (Shame on me for this! Had I only known!) What kind of vibrator depends on what you’re wanting it for. Since I’m of the blended orgasm type- aka vaginal and clitoral, I tend towards the rabbit-styled vibrators. As a matter of fact, I’m buying myself a new one called Daffy the Deep Stroker. It’s a bit more styled for my sexual needs and though I love the Rotating G-spot Vibrator, I wanted to try something that would also simulate having sexual intercourse.

But what if you’re more the vaginal girl and not the combo type? Then we can go with more along the lines of straight vibrators. For those who prefer vaginal orgasms, the feeling of fullness and the vibrations help achieve that goal. I’m fond of the G-spot vibrators, from the simple and affordable Dual Spot Vibrator to the more expensive but just as easy to use Cyberskin Slimline Deluxe. These are some of the great vaginal orgasm toys. They’re also great to use on men and for just massage purposes, depending on the style you buy.

What about the clitoral orgasm queens out there? It’s not easy getting the right amount of stimulation and pressure to achieve those mind blowing, legs shaking orgasms. So what kind of toys are best? There are some great clitoral vibrators out there. My favourite out there is Adam and Eve’s My Clitoral Humming Vibrator. It’s fantastic and I’ve found that it truly delivers a great mind blowing orgasm.

But that’s for self play, or play where you are given pleasure by your lover. What about toys for him? I have few favourites, especially if he’s into anal play– with me in charge! (If you’re a hetero male and a bit nervous on it, you’re going to want to find my article on Anal Play- you might just change your mind on letting your woman touch your anus.) But some of my favourite toys for men are: My first Anal Toy, Swirl Top Butt Plug (good for men and women! I own 2), Falcon Anal beads, stretchable cock rings, cock straps and harnesses, and male masturbator toys. These allow you to not only please your male but watch him pleasure himself under your guidance and direction.

But what about couple based toys? What can a couple have toy-wise to make them both happy? First, every couple needs at least one pair of nipple clamps- though I’ll recommend one pair for women, another pair- alligator style for men- because they don’t have the nipples that women do. Invest in a pair of nipple clamps as they’re a fun, yet very sensual toy that doesn’t cost a lot, but can be used in a variety of ways to up the play time sexually.

Other toys I put on my must have list are restraints,  floggers, collars, and cock leashes. Blindfolds, silk scarves, cushioned handcuffs are some other items you can pick up over a period of time. One toy I consider a Must Have in my arsenal of toys is not a toy at all. What is it? It’s a set of Sexy Dice. Why? Because with these dice, you can not only command your lover to touch a certain aspect in a random way by the dice. For people who are new at role playing or even at suggesting such a thing- these dice break the ice and allow people to be “told” what to do and to get creative doing so. Think of the dice as Truth or Dare, but only the Dares are allowed.

Why do I think these toys come in handy? These toys can be used in combination of scene play, role play and dress up to provide real-time sensation to up the sexual tension for both partners. The idea here is to be able to have toys that will pleasure and provide a more intense experience whether you’re the one on the receiving end or the giving portion. Remember, toys are important for a good relationship when both lovers are open about what the toys are for and they’re not used as a substitute for intimacy. Also, if you buy toys, make sure you invest in some good toy cleaner. Depending on the substance the toy is made of- you may need special cleaners to keep them in good shape.

Toys are great things to have and use in a relationship or even alone. Remember, toys are enhancements to make what’s great even better. If you’re not sure how to use a toy, don’t panic– ask. Sales staff and many of the adult toy websites are more than willing to explain how they work and the best techniques to use with them.

Until next week- keep dreaming those hot sexy dreams, love safely, and remember that knowledge is power.

Always,

Mistress Cynnara