Recently, someone asked me a question and I realized that it needed to be answered not just to her, but here on my site as well. 

Mistress Cynnara, my boyfriend wants me to dominate him, but because he’s younger, thinner, etc etc, I find it hard to dominate him like I think he wants. How does one dominate another? — DominewThis is a good question and one that required some thought and planning when discussing. More importantly, it’s not something you can do lightly. Many people want to experience someone else in control, but don’t fully grasp the concept of what it means to be dominated. When they get a taste of it, they can be shaken up and they react badly. First thing to do- discuss what they think it means to be dominated. Ask them what they feel it means to them sexually and otherwise. Once you have an idea of what it means– whether they want to be tied up, bossed around, or just not be in charge of how they have sex with you, then you can take the next step. What is that step? 

Devise a plan. First, it’s not always natural to be the boss. It’s something we learn how to do because we step up into that role. Find that part of you that’s strong, demanding, and desires to have someone serve them. That’s the biggest part of it. Once you discover that part of yourself, then you’re ready to consider how to dominate your partner. Set aside your wants for a moment and focus on your partner’s needs. Why do they want you to dominate them? What does it give them that they don’t normally receive in the day-to-day grind? What does it give you as well? How do you feel in the position of power? Though the submissive is always in control- the one who can halt it, there is a power play involved and you have to have control in how you wield that power. Make a list of the things they want done and how you can put most of them into a scene that benefits you both. 

Gather the necessary items to put your plan into action. This means that you either check your house for those items you already have or you consider going shopping. (I enjoy shopping– especially at Adam and Eve’s website. I just need about $5k and I so could have a complete collection of stuff to use and teach with!) Some items you will want to include- incense, music, rope, large pieces of fabric, a small bowl (to fill with ice, water, chocolate sauce), a cock ring, a small anal vibrator, lube, condoms, nipple clamps, mouth gag, etc. The idea is to have various items that you can use to help create a sensation of being dominated for your lover. Depending on what they want or what kind of fantasy they’ve shared with you, that will also play into what you want to include for the scene. 

Get into the dominant state of mind. This requires you to think tough. Be tough, and more importantly, be aware of your partner. In this mindset, you’re thinking of how to bring them physical pleasure by teasing and taunting of their senses, so they can let go with you. It’s not about hurting them, it’s about preventing them from doing what they want, and releasing themselves into your care. Many people think of being dominated as being tied up and teased sexually. It’s actually the simplest way to bring yourself into that state. Think on what you would do to your lover if they were bound to the bed, your favourite sex music was playing, and only you guided what happened. They couldn’t come without permission, they have to leave everything to you– what would you do? How would you do it? 

With these ideas in mind, think of how you’d like to play out this scenario with your lover. Then go to them and discuss in loose terms on what you plan to do. Do not tell them everything, but talk about some of the things you are considering- see if they find any of it scary or if they want to try it. Establish a safe word- something that’s not easily forgotten and would be an accurate warning to stopping what was happening. Once you get an idea on what they would like and what you have discovered would please you and them, then you’re ready to begin setting the scene. 

Take your time. Don’t rush this. Do it in small segments. Perhaps one time tie up their hands. Add in some teasing– not letting them touch you, not letting them come until you come at least once or twice. Teasing their body with sensations they’ve not associated with sex. Take the time to make sure you state what will happen and what you expect from them. “I’m going to touch you with these fabrics. I want you to tell me if they turn you on or if they make you want to pull away. You are NOT to move while I do this.” 

Make sure you command them to do some things. It includes them in on the arousal process, but it also shows them their place is to serve. This will also emphasize the concept of being submissive and giving into someone who is dominating them. Take your time in this. Work up to various ideas. Just like kinky sex takes time and repetition to build upon, the same goes with domination. It’s not something you jump in and succeed in one shot. It’s about one step at a time to build up into a good, loving Dom/me. 

Until next time, 

Mistress Cynnara 

Let’s hear it for the Dom/me!!

Let’s introduce the Dominant first. The stereotype is either a leather catsuit-clad woman in five inch heeled boots with whip in hand, or the male in leather pants, no shirt, though he may have harness strap-ons, and sometimes wears a mask. Sound familiar at all? According to stereotype, they’re all about control, causing pain, subjugating their submissive until they’re nothing more than pets, right?

Not quite.  Not even close in most circumstances. I won’t say there isn’t something to the outfit, but the reasoning—not even close to being correct.

First, let’s talk about what a Dominant is. A male Dominant is referred to as a Dom. With females, they may be called Domme, or Domina. A professional female is usually termed Dominatrix. The male is still called Dom. Dominants are the ones who protect, challenge, correct, and reward their submissives. Normally they choose the scene, role play, setting, toys to be used in a session, and are responsible for taking all precautions for safety. Dom/mes use a variety of means to help a sub reach a state where only the sensations and emotions exist. There is no thought, there is nothing but feeling. This state of being is called subspace. More on that later.

How they bring a submissive to that state varies on the type of Dom/me they are. Not only are there variations in BDSM generally, even the players come in various forms.

Alpha Dominant- In BDSM, the Mighty Alpha Dominant is trusted implicitly by his or her sub(s) for more than just a good time.  They are entrusted with fulfillment.  When questioned, they respond with whatever answer is appropriate while challenging their submissive(s) to think and better themselves.

The Mighty Alpha Dominant responds rather than reacting (the negative attribute) to situations. S/He is prepared for the worst, celebrates the best and rides things out with a large amount of cool and control.  For them, they want to take care of someone, to fix what’s broken and to help a submissive reach subspace and gain personal acceptance.

Though Alpha Dominants are likely to use physicality to emphasize points, it’s not the end all-be-all of their universe. For them, physical assistance, via toys, furniture and the like help get a submissive into a specific frame of mind. But alpha dominants also know that psychology plays a big factor in how they approach a submissive.

Soft Dom/me– She might be into pain, but probably not.  The Sensual or Soft Dominant is just that, a sensual woman or man capable of administering pain (we all are) but preferring to control through other means. She may prefer toys of a lighter nature as her focus is not on the pain but the pleasure. Make no mistake, the goal is still to help a submissive reach subspace and in turn reach Domspace, but more importantly, they choose a different means to bring a submissive to that point.

Most soft Dominants I know, believe in breaking the mind, for the body will follow. What does this mean for the submissive? They are given lessons, rewards and punishments. Within these means, they’re put on what I call sensory overload—until they can only feel and respond without thinking to anything put to them. Alpha Dominants also use this approach, though they don’t exclusively rely upon it.

Notice each has a particular way or style in dealing with submissives. Not all use whips and chains, nor do they take the same approach in what’s called ‘breaking down’ a submissive. They are as unique as each one of us. It’s important to remember that each of us is skilled in different areas. Though some are trained in multiple things, there are some preferential skills over others.

Most Dom/mes have some training with another Dom/me to learn the appropriate techniques and equipment. In many cases Dom/mes must spend time as a submissive to remind them of what a submissive receives. This is something I will stress time and again; if your characters are in the BDSM scene, then this aspect will always be in the Dom/me’s mind. It’s a reminder that they hold power given to them freely and it should not be abused.

When you’re learning about BDSM, one thing people will ask you is if you’ve filled out a Limit List. Where can you find a Limits List? You can find one: http://www.thebrc.net/check_list/check_list1.php?Submit=Continue  Why is it important? Because whether you are a Dominant or a submissive or a switch, it’s important to know your own sexual limits, your own pain limits and what you’re interested in. This allows you to know what kind of person you’re looking for as well. It helps take the uncertainty of meeting someone when you can sit and talk about your limits and desires in a healthy, responsible manner.

Why do Dom/mes dominate? Do they have to call all the shots? What is it about their makeup that places them in this Alpha position?

So mentioned earlier, Dominants are the leaders, the guides, the ones who push to go further, and who comfort when its time. Domination deals with control of another person—helping them physically, emotionally, and in a sexual manner. Most Dominants I know like being given control. It pleases them that this person has placed their trust in them. They know the sub can use the safe words at any time—but that they are the ones who create an environment that allows both Dom/me and sub to enjoy the sensations and freedom from the everyday things.

Dom/mes need control. To lose it is unthinkable. To abuse it is just as bad. Control is a fine line between pushing for change and acceptance. They also need to feel taken care of as well. Though they are more of the caretaker, they expect the submissive to meet certain things which enhance their time together.

Example:

Sarah is a Dominant. She enjoys bondage, caning and some mummification play. What she needs is a submissive who enjoys those things and needs her to give them.

In walks Mike. He’s a submissive who likes being restrained while his Mistress teases him sexually and verbally. He’s not sure about caning, but likes being spanked. They negotiate on the type of humiliation play, so its limited to the teasing you’d experience when you were young.

What can Mike give to Sarah? His obedience to her commands, all of them. Treating her with respect and awe for what she does to teach him and care for him. Mike notices Sarah seems upset and tense one night, so he approaches her, his eyes downcast as he places his hands on her shoulders. Before she speaks, his hands knead the knots as he says, “Forgive me, Mistress, but you looked like you needed this. I want you to be as relaxed, as comfortable as possible.”

He’s taken care of her and is supporting without stepping on her power. Depending on Sarah’s disposition, she’ll either reward the sub’s behavior, punish for breaking the rules, or both. How does this act of affection make Sarah feel?

Safe, cared for, and strong. He’s not tries to fix anything—just offer support and a massage to release tension. One of her base needs—to care for and be cared for—is being met in a way that makes her happy.

I won’t lie that there are a portion of Dominant women who are that way due to their past: abuse, neglect, rape, etc. They don’t ever want to be without control and  be weak. Yet many realize that there’s something profoundly comforting in having someone pamper and pleasure you, just because.

Many people will begin asking about the use of various toys and punishment, and say it’s how Dominants get off and subs are trained to take it because the Dominant chooses it. Again, different Dom/mes use different items to teach and train a sub. However, the goal is not to subjugate, but to break down the walls that prevent the submissive from being ‘in the moment’.

Some Dom/mes and subs like pain. They might go into knife play, whips, floggers, and other toys in order to use repetitive low-level discomfort to circumvent the brain, encouraging endorphin release. Others use words, seduction, with an occasional toy used to emphasize or encourage correct behavior.

Dominants like to guide, control and be looked up to. The reasons are varied as to why, but keep in mind that in the private arena of relationships and sexuality, they are leaders. It doesn’t matter that they might be a scatterbrained geek who couldn’t tell anyone off at work, once they’ve crossed the threshold, their words and actions rule.

Now that we’ve covered the Dominants, let’s delve into the world of submission.

Today’s flash is themed on Changeling Press’s Bar and Grill theme– Sex anywhere and everywhere. The idea of sex in such an adventurous manner has been playing at my mind all day while at the day job. But more importantly, it made me think about what is one person’s adventure is another person’s idea of boring. So, finally, after some thought, I think I have a decent sequence put together. It’s….definitely different.

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“I’ll give you anything you want, except what you really want,” Lila purred as she stroked Xavier’s bare chest. She reveled in the fact that she managed to chain him before he realized her intentions. “But if you’re good, you can earn what you want.”

Xavier’s eyes closed as if trying to ignore Lila’s nails rippling over his nipples. “Please, Lila. You know I don’t know how to be a good slave boy like Darius.” His eyelids fluttered as she pinched one sensitive nipple, finally letting her see those gorgeous onyx eyes. “Pick on him, but I won’t give into your games. He likes them.”

Lila snorted as she continued to stroke Xavier’s naked, chained body. The sound of the chains rattling reinforced the growing need in her. Xavier often made her the toy in their games, but tonight would be different. “Yes, but you like playing games too. In fact, this place was your idea.” She gestured to the night club where people danced around the cage Xavier and her stood in. “You wanted to splay me here for your sexual needs. But instead, you’re the captured one. How does it feel?”

“I hate it. Release me, Lila. Because when I get out, I will punish you for this.” His words were harsh and filled with rage. She knew that he felt caged like an animal that needs to be free. My precious panther, when will you learn that you’re only as free as your mind lets you be? I can control you with my submission as I will rule you with my strength.

“Personally, I think you should let me fuck him as you suck his cock. Then force him to fuck you while I do him in the chains,” Darius remarked as he climbed into the cage. Lily smiled at the almost naked male. Darius was truly a Switch– both dominant and submissive. He submitted only to women strong enough to handle his magick and dominant to all other preternatural males. It’s what made Lila love him. But there was Xavier to deal with.

“Down, Darius. Xavier likes to do the deed, not be the recipient. He doesn’t like to the receiver. But tonight is different.” Lila slapped Xavier’s leather clad cock. “Tonight is about me and my control. My needs. Xavier, you might be were, but I am the ruler of all animals–including you. You will obey or the punishment of this will be prolonged until you break. Understood?”

“Never!” Xavier spat at them both.