There are scores of feelings and other things running through my mind right now- some good and some bad. Part of me worries on the treatment because they basically must treat this to being similar to cancer- there is no other way to treat it. That scares me- there’s no way around it. Luckily the type of precancer I have is fairly slow growing. It means I’ve got months to worry before it becomes cancerous. I realize that doesn’t sound good since in some instances that it can take years to develop. With vaginal tissue, the time frame is shorter due to the thinness of the area and because of the possibility to spreading to other areas. Of course, I’m dealing with the past of my family which is scary because everything happened at this time of year.

Overall, I’m adapting and I’m learning to accept what’s going on. I’ll be able to handle more once I know what the plan of action is, what the side effects are and how I need to handle the day to day stuff as I handle the after-effects. I am honoured by having good friends and family who are by my side and are keeping me going as I handle these things that have hit me this year. Without them, I’d have crumbled and faded away. But now I need to reflect upon the truth of the Celtic New Year and what I need to get rid of in my life and what I need to work on. Things are going to be slower for me now. I’m not the fast writer of the past, but a slower, richer writer now. I’m relearning how to outdo my ADD and how to handle the challenges thrown my way this year physically. But I’m still losing weight, I’m still trying to exercise. The hard part now is learning how to integrate things so nothing gets left behind– just rotated in turn.

Selena’s Website

Click the link and come join in on the fun!

See I know about both sex drives– in my past, I’ve been the slower drive and also the high drive sex maniac (a direct quote). The difference is not just the desire for sex but also in how one processes sexual needs and desires. Those who are slower often don’t see sexual release as being needed as often or as a psychological and physiological need to be acted upon as much as those with higher sex drives. It’s also what motivates the need for sexual comfort as well. Those whose drives are considered normal or perhaps slower often are psychologically able to take contentment from other aspects in their lives going well. They are content when everything is in order and they have emotional feedback along with occasional touching to reassure them they’re wanted.

Yet, they have to realize that their lovers with higher sex drives need more reassurance and also more intimate touching to have that same level of contentedness within a relationship. It’s not that they are more insecure, but that they require higher levels of sexual intimacy to maintain that same feelings. It’s like being a diabetic. You have to have more of some nutrients, less of others to maintain proper health. Same with those with higher sex drives.

What can those with lower sex drives do to help those with higher drives? First, realize that they’re not wanting sex just to become a nympho or to drive you insane. They need regular sex touching to keep themselves on an even keel emotionally and physically. Once you can accept that component, you’re halfway to helping them out. Yet, sometimes you have to also be prepared to give of yourself too. No, this doesn’t mean you have to have full intercourse with your partner. But it does mean you might not be in the mood sexually yet you might need to get into the idea of giving sexual fulfillment to your lover.

Oftentimes the higher sex drive needs release. The endorphin and tension release that comes with orgasm helps provide a sense of well-being within that person that lower sex drives don’t often understand. But if you’re willing to compromise and give them some pleasure without wanting it for yourself- you will always be given what you want, when you want. Higher drives love touching which means that the more you touch their bodies, stroke their genitalia, or even use toys on them- the more you’ll enjoy just being there with them. Remember though you derive comfort for just being there and don’t always need that extra stimulation- if you’re willing to provide oral pleasure or even use toys upon your lover, you’ll bring them closer to you and they’ll also try to be more understanding as well. They can only do so much before they get antsy and their skin gets tight with the need to be intimate with their lover. By having you take part in their pleasure– even if it’s just for them- it’ll help keep a balance between your drives and also give you some bonus intimacy that you both can enjoy.

Until next time,

Mistress Cyn

Mistress Cynnara- What is a fetish? Do you have to have one to be kinky or sexy? — Fetishist in the Making, I think What is a fetish? According to the dictionary:

fetish (plural fetishes)

1. Something nonsexual, such as an object or a part of the body which arouses sexual desire or is necessary for one to reach full sexual satisfaction.
2. Something which is believed to possess, contain, or cause spiritual or magical powers; an amulet or a talisman.
3. An irrational, or abnormal, fixation or preoccupation.

What does that mean? Well, when most people discuss fetishes, they mean the first definition. It means that you need to see, think about or speaking about some object in order to feel sexual gratification. How can this be broken down simply? If you have a fetish about shoes, you must be wearing them, seeing them, thinking about them in order to have sexual release. If you like shoes, but don’t have to have them to enjoy sexual relations– you don’t have a fetish. 

Does having a fetish means you’re kinky or sexy? Yes and no. There are some fetishes that are even beyond my scope of imagining. You can be kinky and sexy and not have a fetish. It’s not that interchangable, though many people use the words in that manner. I’m very kinky and sexy, but I’m not a fetishist. I like too many things to just focus on one thing. Kinky means simply that you like unconventional and fun sexual things- BDSM, fetishes, etc. Kinky is many things, but not to the point of being only one item. I enjoy my kinkiness and so does my male. 

Being sexy is a state of mind, it doesn’t require anything else. You’re sexy because you feel good, you feel wanted and desired, and that’s all there is to it. Do fetishists think they’re sexy– darn tooting they do. Kinky people are sexy because they revel in their sexuality and in who they are. Sexy is as sexy does and don’t think you’re not sexy! Everyone is sexy, they just need to believe they are! 

Can you become a fetishist? Yes, and it can be at anytime in your life. A friend of mine just recently confided in me that he had to have the woman he was with wearing thigh high stockings on when they had sex. Without it, he found it difficult to orgasm unless he fantasized she was wearing them. This man is 42 years old and is now a fetishist. He’s begun a collection of stockings for his lover, so he can have her looking seductive and playing to his fetish. I’ve met his girl friend, and let me tell you– she looks damn good in those thigh highs. So both of them get a lot out of it. 

Hopefully this answers your question on fetish, kinky, and sexy and how they fit in daily life. Remember everyone is sexy, many are kinky, and few are fetishists. We can be many of those or just one. What counts is that you’re happy, healthy, and doing good in the world for yourself and others. 

Until next time, 

Mistress Cynnara 

What does it mean to play rough sexually? I’ve covered it before, but it bears repeating. It means different things to different people- from being more sexually aggressive to the point that you’re more physical in a sexual way. But there are ways of playing safe while having what I call rough fun. Let’s explore a couple of ideas on that subject. 

If you don’t have a pair, get at least one pair of nipple clamps. Whether alligator style or the traditional clamps, these are a must when it comes to some rough, yet fun play. One major thing to remember when it comes to any kind of clamps is that you can only use them on a part of the body for a limited time. That means for anyone not experienced in wearing or using clamps– put them on for only five minutes at a time. Why? Because too long and it’ll hurt and damage body parts. The goal is to heighten the sensations, not to hurt someone physically. You can build up to having nipple clamps on for as long as 20-30 minutes, depending on how tight you put them on. Now here’s the fun thing when it comes to these lovely toys– it’s not how tight you put them on for, it’s when you take them off. Think of when you were little and you used to sit on your foot or even wrap a rubber band around your finger– cutting off the circulation, then when you eased off it, as the blood flow returned, the sensation stung and yet it felt neat. That’s the same idea behind sexual clamps of any kind. To create that sensation as it’s removed. So don’t feel you have to overdo it- you don’t. So get those nipple excited, put clamps on them, tease them while in clamps, and when the time comes to orgasm, release those clamps and watch the sensation flow!

Now that we covered one of my favourite ideas when playing sexually rough, let’s move onto another one– bondage. I don’t mean the handcuffs or the velcro cuffs. I mean some old fashion, soft rope from your laundry line. When I talk bondage in this rough sense, we’re talking pinned to the bed, rope wrapped around the wrists, tied above the head and let the sensations and teasing commence. Remember though to play safe in this. If a person has trust issues with being tied, let them do the tying and you be the recipient. You’ll be glad you did. Trust me- it’s good every so often to give up the power position in this case. It reaps a reward that explodes over and over again. 

How can bondage be rough sex play? Simple, the idea of being bound, at the whims of another is very erotic- especially between people who trust one another. The other aspect is that you’re forced to give up control- regardless if you’ve agreed to it beforehand– when it’s real- it’s an emotional rollercoaster, one that can find hidden depths in each of you. Sometimes, it’s the thought of being bound and forced to do things against our will (or to force us to let out the inner slut we all seem to possess), that makes the roughness sexier to our bodies and minds. It’s about time to take advantage of those silk ties you’ll never wear! 

What about changing your dress and how you approach your lover? That’s one of the coolest things about rough sex– you get to put on a mask. It’s not for everyday sex, it’s for once in a while- fuck-me-stupid sex that blows the mind and the body out of the water. It’s where you grab your male and kiss him and tell him exactly what you’re going to do to him- whether he wants it or not. It means tying his hands, making him eat you out or he’ll get no release. It’s about pushing her against the wall, pinning her hands over her head and letting her know that you’re going to fuck her senseless right there. It’s about stepping out of the box we normally play in sexually and being more aggressive, more bold in our desires to serve and be served. If you’re normally the more passive one, this is your time to be the bold Pirate Queen stealing whatever booty or male you want. If you’re the cautious, sensitive male lover, this is the time to show your alpha ego out a bit and let out how much you plan on ravishing her without her being all that willing or mild. 

So, think of rough sex as something you do that’s not your everyday sex thing. This is a time to let your inner alpha slut out to play. What’s real fun is when you agree to one of you being the more aggressive and the other one obeying. Trust me– you think all day long on what the other person might or might not do– then when it comes time, you’re both wildly excited already! 

Remember– safe sex is consensual sex with all the proper precautions taken. No means no, and put those safe words into play when you do this. That way the best will come out for everyone! 

Altijd, 

Mistress Cynnara

Mistress Cynnara, my boyfriend wants me to dominate him, but because he’s younger, thinner, etc etc, I find it hard to dominate him like I think he wants. How does one dominate another? — DominewThis is a good question and one that required some thought and planning when discussing. More importantly, it’s not something you can do lightly. Many people want to experience someone else in control, but don’t fully grasp the concept of what it means to be dominated. When they get a taste of it, they can be shaken up and they react badly. First thing to do- discuss what they think it means to be dominated. Ask them what they feel it means to them sexually and otherwise. Once you have an idea of what it means– whether they want to be tied up, bossed around, or just not be in charge of how they have sex with you, then you can take the next step. What is that step? 

Devise a plan. First, it’s not always natural to be the boss. It’s something we learn how to do because we step up into that role. Find that part of you that’s strong, demanding, and desires to have someone serve them. That’s the biggest part of it. Once you discover that part of yourself, then you’re ready to consider how to dominate your partner. Set aside your wants for a moment and focus on your partner’s needs. Why do they want you to dominate them? What does it give them that they don’t normally receive in the day-to-day grind? What does it give you as well? How do you feel in the position of power? Though the submissive is always in control- the one who can halt it, there is a power play involved and you have to have control in how you wield that power. Make a list of the things they want done and how you can put most of them into a scene that benefits you both. 

Gather the necessary items to put your plan into action. This means that you either check your house for those items you already have or you consider going shopping. (I enjoy shopping– especially at Adam and Eve’s website. I just need about $5k and I so could have a complete collection of stuff to use and teach with!) Some items you will want to include- incense, music, rope, large pieces of fabric, a small bowl (to fill with ice, water, chocolate sauce), a cock ring, a small anal vibrator, lube, condoms, nipple clamps, mouth gag, etc. The idea is to have various items that you can use to help create a sensation of being dominated for your lover. Depending on what they want or what kind of fantasy they’ve shared with you, that will also play into what you want to include for the scene. 

Get into the dominant state of mind. This requires you to think tough. Be tough, and more importantly, be aware of your partner. In this mindset, you’re thinking of how to bring them physical pleasure by teasing and taunting of their senses, so they can let go with you. It’s not about hurting them, it’s about preventing them from doing what they want, and releasing themselves into your care. Many people think of being dominated as being tied up and teased sexually. It’s actually the simplest way to bring yourself into that state. Think on what you would do to your lover if they were bound to the bed, your favourite sex music was playing, and only you guided what happened. They couldn’t come without permission, they have to leave everything to you– what would you do? How would you do it? 

With these ideas in mind, think of how you’d like to play out this scenario with your lover. Then go to them and discuss in loose terms on what you plan to do. Do not tell them everything, but talk about some of the things you are considering- see if they find any of it scary or if they want to try it. Establish a safe word- something that’s not easily forgotten and would be an accurate warning to stopping what was happening. Once you get an idea on what they would like and what you have discovered would please you and them, then you’re ready to begin setting the scene. 

Take your time. Don’t rush this. Do it in small segments. Perhaps one time tie up their hands. Add in some teasing– not letting them touch you, not letting them come until you come at least once or twice. Teasing their body with sensations they’ve not associated with sex. Take the time to make sure you state what will happen and what you expect from them. “I’m going to touch you with these fabrics. I want you to tell me if they turn you on or if they make you want to pull away. You are NOT to move while I do this.” 

Make sure you command them to do some things. It includes them in on the arousal process, but it also shows them their place is to serve. This will also emphasize the concept of being submissive and giving into someone who is dominating them. Take your time in this. Work up to various ideas. Just like kinky sex takes time and repetition to build upon, the same goes with domination. It’s not something you jump in and succeed in one shot. It’s about one step at a time to build up into a good, loving Dom/me. 

Until next time, 

Mistress Cynnara 

So, how can you initiate some quickies in your life? There are many ways, but the simplest is to break the idea down to the base core. It’s about the sex. It’s about pleasuring each other in a frantic, needful state. Sometimes, we women need to have those quickies too. We might take time to warm up, but if you come at us with this look in your eye, a smile on your lips and you whisper, “You’re so damn hot and I have to fuck you silly!” I doubt any of us would say no. 

Preparation does play a role. You have to make sure you have a good 10-20 minutes to spare uninterrupted. Cover all your bases- know when the kids get home or when people are due to arrive. Know when you have to leave for your appointment. Then set the stage. With me, I didn’t get a chance to really think beyond the fact he asked me if I trusted him. I knew something was up, but not what. But it got my juices flowing, my curiousity aroused and my heart involved- because he asked me something that’s important to me- trust. If you know what your lover’s turn on phrases, the ones that kick up the emotion and sets the sexual seduction- then you have to be able to play them to the hilt, backing words up with action. 

What if you both want to set up the quickie? Now this is where it gets fun. If you don’t work together (my male and I work at the same company), then it can be fun. You can text each other or make calls on your breaks. Leave vague, sexual comments to each other. “I’m imagining taking you from behind with you bent over the living room chair.” or “You, me, and the bathroom. I’m thinking quickie 101.” These notes throughout the day set the stage of what you want and will serve as an appetizer for the brain. By the time you both get home, you’ll be more than ready for some serious sex! 

Sometimes, you have to take the reluctant bull or mare by the horns and do what I call “the sliding seduction.” This is less quick but it is effective. You drop hints while you’re both doing your nightly thing- chores, tv, etc. Then you go into the bedroom and set up the room- candles, music, etc- whatever you know will set the stage immediately for the person. Then call them into the bedroom. “Honey, do you know where I put my…?” When they come in, they’re looking at this romantic setting and you’re there waiting for them. It throws them into a place where their bodies are instinctively responding while their minds are trying to decide to go with it or not. But because you’ve slid this into place- they not only feel obligated to go with you into it, it takes the burden from them to come up with anything sexually. You literally slide from shock to gratefulness into sexual awareness. 

Quickies aren’t always quick. Sometimes you plan for Wham, Bam, Thank you Ma’am and end up with more than one session of lovemaking over a period of a couple of hours. There’s nothing wrong with that. What quickies do is release tension, provide a quick sexual release, and also spice up the relationship with something that doesn’t always go with the normal sex routine. So give it a shot- plan and carry out your quickie plan sometime soon! 

Until next time, 

Mistress Cynnara

Fantasies are just that– something you wish could happen, even if it’s implausible. But more importantly than that– it’s something that you can make happen in some form, if you take the time to think and plan beforehand. I told him that for me, it was the idea that he gave me as much as he could of my fantasy, because the truth is, reality is better than fantasy– because you can see it, feel it, and be one with it. 

So, last night, he did that for me- not just once but twice. The second time blew my mind away because it was my fantasy completely brought to life with some extra flourishes I never considered. It was a perfect moment with him and it made me very happy. 

 How can you bring about your lover’s fantasy? There are some ways to do it. In fact, you might fun in anticipating how you can do either all of the fantasy or the main components. 

1. Break down the fantasy into the beginning, middle, and end pieces. This will help you to see what heightens the reactions of your lover and what specific items you need to include. 
2. See if you have the necessary toys, lotions, music, lights, etc on hand. If you do, it’ll be easier to invoke the mood. If you don’t, see what you can use as a substitute so you don’t have to spend much money at all. 
3. Figure what you’re capable of doing to bring that fantasy to life. This is a big part of it. If it means that you need to pretend to be someone else, ask yourself if you can do that for your lover. If it means that you need to be a bit more agile, but aren’t– what can you do to modify that technique into something you can handle without pulling a muscle? 
4. What do you like about the fantasy? If you like the fantasy, then you’ll enjoy it more yourself by giving this fantasy to your lover. If you don’t, think about the aspects you like and play them up. 
5. Take the time to do the fantasy right- send your lover a note, explaining that tonight is the night you bring one of their fantasies alive for them. Set just a bit of the scene, if it requires role playing for them as well as you. Make sure you have their clothes laid out in another room, allowing them to bathe and pamper themselves to make the night fantastic. 
6. If you have kids– send them away for the night. Trust me, it’ll be for the best! 

These are some simple things you can do to bring a fantasy to life. I enjoy fulfilling my male’s fantasies. Why? Because it gives me a chance to show my love for him and to also bring him some extra joy knowing that he has someone who is wiling to gift him a fantasy to life. Having him do the same for me is precious and I cherish yesterday. 

Until next time, 

Mistress Cynnara

So, what kind of erotic fiction is there out there? A multitude by some fantastic authors out there. Some is available for free– such as the www.literotica.com site.  Others can be found at a variety of electronic publishers or print publishers. In fact, I can think of at least 5 publishers at the top of my head of where I buy regularly, some are publishers I’m with. You can find anything from menage to femdom to BDSM fantasies at these publishers and trust me- they cater to both the men and the women. These days, the romances include the male point of view and how he feels about this relationship developing. 

What can reading erotic fiction do for you personally? It’ll give you greater insight into your lover and some of the things they might want to try. Further, it’ll give you on how to approach certain topics that might need to be discussed or brought to the next level. It’s also a fantastic way to learn about the thought process when it comes to sex and romance for both sexes. It’s not the same and it’s not equal. But for those men out there who don’t think it’s cool to read romance- let me tell you- once you see why your woman likes it and how it gets her worked up– you’ll be wanting to do some couple reading time because the result will be what you’ll enjoy the most! 

Some publishers of good erotic fiction- Loose Id, Changeling Press, Elloras Cave, Total E-Bound, Liquid Silver Books, Aspen Mountain Press, Tease Publishing, Phaze Publishing, Aphrodisia (a Kensington imprint), Brava, Spice (a Harlequin imprint), Berkeley, Avon Red, and Penguin Publishing, to name just a few in the electronic and print publishing arena. 

Take the time at the local bookstore and see what catches your eye. Look at the covers, read the blurbs on the back. See what and who they’re marketing the book too and what sexual niche it fulfills? Currently, BDSM is hot and those who know the scene and write it well are in demand. For those who like their sex a bit less intense or with other kinky aspects, take a chance, you might just find what you’re looking for to rev up the brain in the romance department of your local bookstore or online at some of the epublishers I’ve mentioned. 

Until next time, 

Mistress Cynnara