Discover the essence of Cyn

I’m writing this post today, sitting at my male’s house. Yes, my male. Thursday night, I broke down and called him. There were so many things between us, so many things that couldn’t be explained away by what happened on Tuesday, that completely and utterly fearful, I picked up the phone and called his number. First words out of both our mouths at the same time were, “How are you?”

We realized something that night. Both of us love the other- as friends, as lovers, and romantically. We both don’t like the thought of the other being with someone else. (His declaration of that really surprised me- he’s not a jealous person, so it made me sit up and take notice.) He asked me if after all he’s been through, if I really thought he was afraid of being in love. I told him yes, I really do. I have my own fear of love. It’s one of those fears that can prevent you from truly experiencing all there is in love to learn from. But my fear came true on Tuesday– I had nothing left to lose. For him, he realized that what he thought was being “in love” wasn’t like before. Once, he led a separate life while being with someone for 6 years. Another time, he convinced himself he was in love– ignoring the warnings of his family and friends.

Both of us asked for forgiveness that night. Both of us admitted we do love each other- a lot. And we both agreed to take this relationship one day at a time. Though looking at it today, I think he’s moving faster than I am. When I got out of work and we got here to the house, I started making my pasta salad and he called me into the living room. There he just held me for a while, and I started to cry. I felt awkward at first being there and he knew it.

Funny thing how well he knows me. Then my male started picking on me like he’s wont to do, and we started cracking jokes. He surprised me next– helping me out in the kitchen with making part of supper. He hadn’t done that before– as he admitted that he marvels at how I just get things done in such a way everythings ready pretty much at once. (I learned that trick from my mom!) Plus, it took a bit for him to admit that my cooking for him made him feel taken care of and treasured. That admission meant a lot to me. It validated how I felt cooking for him. I LOVE cooking for him, even with some of his more annoying eating habits! LOL

He’s at work right now, I got up early with him. Trust me, this was NOT my choice. But I’ve slept shitty for over a week and last night, last night was the first time I slept well since the end of my vacation. I still have some worries, some fears- but nothing nothing like when my heart was broken. I fear having my happiness taken away, because it’s happened so often in my life. But right now, this moment, I’m regaining that contentness, that happiness that being with him gives me that’s like nothing else I’ve ever experienced before.

There’s a new quality to this happiness. It’s a bit fragile, I don’t take it for granted. Somehow, I find it more precious, more as something to fight to preserve. I never fought before for love or for what I’ve truly wanted. I guess before I didn’t think I mattered enough. But this time, I knew he was hurt too. This time, it was worth fighting for, even if I didn’t get all I wanted- which I lucked out. I truly lucked out. I have my male back. He’s wearing the necklace I gave him, symbolizing his submission to me. Last night was fun, like we were and a new depth that I’m still trying to define for myself.

I hate breaking up. But more, this breakup shouldn’t have been. Granted, the reasons were needing to be faced and perhaps this was the only way it could be dealt with. I never ever want to have another few days like this again. My whole life just went to hell and I couldn’t get my act together to save my life. It’s amazing the power of love. It truly is.